Do you ever meet a person who you’re so drawn to. And it starts off small and then step by step you realize how they are even more beautiful, as a person. At one point you’re just like…woah, their face. Just their FACE. Oh my god. Her eyes, her smile. Her eyes when she smiles, even better. Her voice and every other aspect of her personality. It appears in your head, but not in front of you. You can’t touch it and you never will, you might even never see it again. I’m torturing myself with thoughts. Don’t do this to yourself, my friends. It’s no bueno. Liking someone more than you should is not good. I thought it was just a crush and I kind of still think it is, but at the same time it isn’t, if that makes sense? There is a longing to see her in person that hurts inside and makes me feel empty, but it’s not like I think about her all day. My new tutor said that at the end of this year there’s this event where all students and all tutors come together and talk, have a drink and stuff. And I’m already looking forward to that because I’ll see my old tutor again, I mean, that is not how you’d feel if it was just a small crush, right? I make up scenarios where I walk into her at uni, or talk to her, or just anything. If she would kiss me or ask me to date her, I wouldn’t even hesitate a second. I miss her right now, oh god, why. One comforting thing is that I can’t do anything about it. I can’t stop liking her, that’s out of my control. I’m not sure why that’s comforting because I assume it should be frightening, not having control? It usually does scare me. But in a way it is comforting because I can’t blame myself and the feelings will pass the less I see her.
Seeing as I’m studying psychology, our teachers show us lots of videos and parts of documentaries. One of those was “Genie Wiley – Secrets of the Wild Child”. This documentary really stuck with me and made a huge impression on me, which is why I wanted to share it with you. Here’s a short description of what it’s about:
In the fall of 1970, social workers took custody of a 13-year-old child who had spent much of her life chained to a potty chair in her bedroom. She could not speak, walk, or respond to other people. She was called “Genie.” Her case attracted psychologists who were interested in finding out whether she could still learn to speak. At the time, some linguists, led by MIT’s Noam Chomsky, believed that human speech is a genetically programmed ability. Eric Lenneberg, a neuropsychologist, agreed with Chomsky and added further that if a person did not learn to speak by adolescence, then the natural ability to learn language might be lost forever. This theory was the so-called “critical period hypothesis.”
If you’re interested in psychology I really recommend watching this. But, hey, even if you’re not interested in psychology, I’d recommend it. This documentary is shocking, fascinating, interesting and for me, it had this aftertaste of sadness. It’s one of those things you never quite forget.
I’ve noticed a few things, or rather I noticed there were stages, during realizing I wasn’t straight. Of course this is different for everyone but I feel like some people might just are experiencing or have experienced the same. Let me first tell you that I’m still confused and I can’t identify with something yet, but I’m quite sure of the fact that I’m leaning more towards girls. The way I feel right now, I’d have to say that I’m for 67% on the girls’ team. Anyway let’s get to business. The “stages” I’ve experienced so far:
1. Ignorance. Now I’m looking back on my life I should’ve already realized my non-straightness by the time I was eleven or twelve years old. Instead I just thought I looked up to those girls I fancied, like they were so nice, pretty, popular and yet they accepted me and I was just getting attached to them because of that. Well of course that wasn’t the case when I liked my primary school teacher ha. I had no idea I liked her though. I only realized that about 6 months or one year ago. I called this stage ignorance because I was blind to those feelings, I didn’t see them as feeling attracted to girls, simply because I thought I was straight and I never thought about the possibility of not being straight.
2. Denial/disbelief. By the time I was 15 I started thinking: oh god, what if I’m not straight? The thing that actually triggered that for me was Skins, the series with Naomi and Emily. Seeing two girls together looked so cute and right and especially when they were kissing, because basically that turned me on. When I realized that I just thought: “What the hell, am I gay? Pfff ah I’m not gay, no waaaaay! Me = straight girl.” I asked that question myself a lot though, so I’m seeing that as the moment I started doubting my sexuality. Deep inside I probably knew it, I just didn’t want to see and completely suppressed it.
3. Realization and complete confusion. I was in my last year of high school and I think by that time I had already kind of realized that I liked this girl in my class when I was 15. But the real, actual realization came when she suddenly visited our school again (because after the year I started to like her, at age 15, she changed schools) and by even hearing her name and knowing that she would visit, I got so nervous and my heart started beating incredibly fast. Well that got even worse when she actually arrived and I didn’t even had the chance to talk to her. I saw her standing in front of the door and what I felt was so unusual. I mean that wasn’t the way to feel about some random girl I knew from school who just happened to visit to hand something over to a friend of hers. I almost cried when I felt so confused, it was when I realized: “Oh no. Oh no, no no no NO. I’m in love with that girl. What is happening. Is that really true?” And that was by the time I was 17. I still didn’t want to know it though. Being straight was the one and only thing that still made me “normal” and was an accepted thing, because I wasn’t accepted by people in high school. And I desperately wanted that so I felt like the one thing that made me normal was taken away, I felt so terrible. I have wanted to die and kill myself because of the confusion so many times. I’m still in half this stage actually. I’d say I’m half in this stage and half in the next.
4. Coming to terms/acceptance. There came this point where I thought: okay, so I’m not straight, that’s clear. I hate it. But I’m not straight and can’t change that so I have to accept it. So that’s actually still not acceptance but it was the moment where I decided I should tell people because that might help me accept it. Telling the first few people was the scariest thing ever, I had no idea how people would react to it. By now actually quite a few people know it. I’ve only told the people I trust though and from whom I know they don’t have any problems with people being queer. And I’m starting to accept it, I can feel that because I haven’t had any real serious negative thoughts about it for almost two months and before that I used to hate and wanted to die, I never wanted to wake up ever again. Trigger warning: I hate admitting this but I even self-harmed a few times because things got too much and I felt this inexplicable need to hurt myself. That wasn’t only because of this though. (I don’t know if writing trigger warning was necessary but lots of people on the internet seem to make a big deal out of this)
Anyway, I’m expecting the next stage to be: awesomeness. I still have a hard time accepting it and I can’t talk about it whilst feeling comfortable but I’ll get there, I’m sure!
My words never make any sounds
Eyes turned inside to find myself
Short intense happiness
Never lasting long
I already posted this a while ago but I wanted to get back to it because I actually like this. I wrote it myself, that’s one thing I know, but I can’t remember writing it. It’s like I can’t remember being consciously occupied with writing it, as if it all happened in a blur.
One thing they definitely are is contradicting. To me the world is a beautiful place at times, while it’s also a terrible place to live in. Just think about the many things that (I think) are wrong here. Starvation, suppression, bullying, communism, wars, homophobia, the pressure of being skinny, how men have to be tough and muscular and how having lots of sex is cool for them, how women need to show off skin – but not too much because god forbid how awful -, how having a lot of sex is slutty, how people are too concerned with other people’s lives, how mental health is underestimated and I could go on and on. Let’s not forget the good and positive things though: having supportive friends (and family), airplanes and other transport, mountains and nature in general, being able to get an education, films and series, science, freedom of speech, music (!), games, being able to fantasize, tolerance, education, food and so on. I have to admit that I actually had a much harder time thinking of positive things, but maybe that’s something I lack: positive thinking. As I was typing this I was slowly realizing that the things I was listing are things that only wealthy, Western or “free” countries have. I can’t get around the fact that there are so many people living in misery, in fear and insecurity. Whether it’s because it’s not sure if they’ll have food the next day, have a mental disorder or illness (yes, I’m comparing these two. They’re both bad things happening in completely different worlds), have to live in fear because of being bullied, because they can’t be honest about their sexuality. This one goes to the heart and I count myself so lucky to live in a half-tolerant environment towards queer people. I can’t not think about these things though and I haven’t figured out how people can be completely happy when there are so many things wrong. Maybe I should accept the world as it is, embrace it and live by its “rules” and expectations. But somehow, that feels wrong.
My opinion on people. I’ll warn you because it’s influenced by years of bad experience, recent good experiences as well as studying Psychology. As my methodology teacher told us, people are ignorant. We humans think we’re smart but actually, we’re not at all. We’re bad at thinking logically, reasoning syllogistically and I could go on. We want to have control but we’re not in control of ourselves, seeing as lots of things are in our genes and are influenced by the environment we live in. My high school caused me having a deformed reality of humans: people are bad, judgmental, everyone is like in high school and people won’t like you until you have cool party hardy stories. The truth is that people are actually judgmental. We can’t help it, we just judge but I believe you can control to which extent you judge people. I’d love to be able to say that I don’t judge people but I do. It’s safe to say that I’m not too judgmental though. I couldn’t care less what people do with their life, how they dress, what they look like. It’s all about your personality in the end. Now that I’ve started university I found out that people will like you. They’ll like you for who you are, they’ll accept you and people are nice and kind and you don’t have to be “cool”. Basically there are just so many different people: we’re all snowflakes remember (excuse me for being cliche here).
Well. I’m not sure if my views on this world make any sense at all. But who ever said they had to make sense?
Literally every friend, every person, is different. There are good friends and as well as bad friends. What my definition of “bad friends” is, is friends who don’t listen to you, who are not interested in you, treat you like you’re unimportant, who make you feel like you don’t matter and who put you down. From experience I’ve learned that not having friends is better than having bad friends who put you down and don’t listen to you. Not having friends (or like only having one friend who you don’t see or talk to every day) made me feel pretty lonely. It wasn’t like I was completely friendless, I used to see some friends once every few months, which isn’t a lot of course, but still. It made me spent 90% of my time on my own, which makes you think and get to know yourself. The loneliest place was high school, the anxious feeling, the people surrounding me, please never again. My last year was the worst year I had. Because then, I literally had no friends in the entire school. I never made new friends to begin with, but now I was truly alone. God, some days I even used to be the stereotypical kid who spends their breaks in the toilet, how sad. I’m not sure where I’m going with this story about high school though. Where I want to go is that because I didn’t have any friends, I didn’t have bad friends either. No friends means not having a lot of social interaction, sharing problems etc and basically bottling everything up. Though having bad friends means having some sort of social interaction, possibly express (some of) your concerns and problems, but while you do that, you get negative responses from your friends. I actually believe having no friends or having bad friends are very different and the effects they have on you differ as well. It’s like being the “abandoned/ignored child” and the “rejected child”. For me, not making new friends and just barely having friends completely broke down my confidence. It made me feel weird, like there was something wrong with me. Was I boring? I started to believe I was the most boring person to ever exist. My appearance? Don’t even. After high school, which is right now, I started university. I’ve now been studying Psychology for 6 months and I’ve made three wonderful friends, like really. They are the friends I never dreamt of having. I tell them basically everything. The stuff about my best friend and you know, they’re so helpful and they listen and they’re supportive and try to help and it’s exactly the other way around too. Besides those friends I’ve also met A LOT of other nice people who I can talk to and sit next to and have a nice conversation and stuff. I just need to go back in time because in my last year of high school I started working at my local supermarket, where I first made new friends in 6 years time. I got back in touch with a friend who I hadn’t seen in many many years and started seeing one of my friends a lot more often. After a few months I also made two new friends and soon enough the five of us became a group of friends, a clique. That was (and is) my first adolescent “friend group” I had, at the age of 17. After about a year now, I realize that only one (maybe two) of those people really care(s) about me. The others barely show any interest in me and I don’t trust them (enough), they judge me on some level and don’t show much support. They’re on a completely different emotional level and way of thinking than I am and that makes it harder to interact with them. There are things they don’t understand about the world and they don’t see the world like I do, like we have completely different views. At one point I was tired of being their friend because I felt like they just didn’t care and they made me feel really unimportant. The thing is that I always have to listen to them, to their complaints and problems, but when there’s something that bothers me: no reaction and no interest. And I’ve been distancing myself from those two friends, especially one of them, and it makes me feel a bit better because there’s less negativity in my life. In the end, I think all that I’ve learned from this is that I and everyone else, only deserve people who add something positive to their life.
Life’s been hectic. I’ve started university, been ill a lot and life happened. University isn’t been going great but I’m trying to pick up the pieces and make things right in order to pass this year. There’s no other option but to pass this year, I can’t even imagine failing this year. My best friend is in love with me, which really sucks because I don’t have feelings for her. It struck me even more because I always assumed she’s straight. When I told her that I’m not straight, she never assumed that she wasn’t straight either, she didn’t say anything at all. I don’t understand why she wouldn’t tell me if she was doubting her sexuality at the time I “came out” to her. I mean am I the first girl she’s ever liked or what a friend of mine said: is she just infatuated with me because she’s so alone all of the time? Her dad is revalidating so he’s never home, her brother is gone most of the time and her mum works every day so she’s basically alone all the time. But if that’s the case then it wouldn’t be such a long crush. Plus she told me it ”sneaked in gradually”, I’m not sure if that happens when people become infatuated? I have no experience with people being infatuated and my other friend probably has but I think it’s more likely that she actually really likes me. Hmm and what if I could develop feelings for my best friend. That would be the most awkward relationship ever oh my god hahaha. No but honestly, I only felt completely terrible when she told me. And if anything, I’m just in love with the idea of having a girlfriend/relationship. Another friend of mine suggested/asked if it would be possible for me to go on a date to see if I can develop romantic feelings. The idea that someone’s in love with me is flattering to be honest, and especially weird. I can’t say “oh no one loves me” or “oh I wish someone liked me”. But love sucks if you can’t give love back. Receiving a love you can’t answer is terrible, especially for the person who loves you. Gah I got such a weird feeling. What if I DO develop feelings for my best friend though? And I do like my tutor a lot. Ah my tutor, jesus christ she’s so adorable. Blue eyes, straight blonde hair (just reaches her shoulders), SHE HAS THE CUTEST SMILE EVER AND HER EYES ARE SO SHINY WHEN SHE SMILES I CAN’T HANDLE VISUALIZING IT IT MAKES ME SMILE SO MUCH. But besides that, she is so sweet, definitely one of the kindest people I’ve met and she really seems to care. Also she’s so funny and ugh just the cutest person ever. Last Friday (January 25th) we had our last class because we’re getting divided into different work groups and stuff so as a group we decided it’d be a good idea to give her a present. Well because of obvious reasons it was my idea to give her a present, so I bought the wine. God can I say how awkward it was to get up and kind of announce it. It was after we had our presentations and after we filled in ALL the evaluation papers. And everybody just talked with each other and was totally getting into their conversations, but one girl had to leave for work soon so I had to give it to my tutor before the girl left otherwise it would be lame. Finally people began to notice that I was going to hand it over because I was already standing up and got my bag on the table haha. I was like: “On behalf of our whole work group, we’d like to give you something to thank you for the all the lessons.” She said: Awww you guys shouldn’t have done this!” and she turned a bit red and got shy and said: “Oh no I’m getting all warm because of this aw thank you guys” IT WAS THE MOST ADORABLE THING EVER OH MY GOD I’M STILL SO NOT OVER THIS MOMENT. Anyway, after that most people left and me and 4 others decided to help cleaning a bit and stuff and we talked for a few minutes. We were going to leave and I shook her hand, you know because I thought I had to, she really did help me in the end so yeah. And I thanked her and I was like: “I’ll let you know how things are going, keep you up-to-date and stuff” and she said: “Aww yes I would really love that, please do!” I just thought that was so cute, again. I don’t think I mentioned this in my post but my tutor recommended seeing the school psychologist, she kind of insisted on it. Well not really insisted, but she said things like: “I would really do it if I were you”, ”it’d be smart for you to do it, and if you don’t like it you can just stop” a few times. She did convince me to go there. I think she’s right, talking to someone just might help me solve myself and it’d be so good if it would be solved like RIGHT NOW (at least not in 5 years I mean, when I have to apply to jobs and such, that was also one of her arguments) I also don’t want to bother my friends with it. That psychologist could maybe help me to accept my sexuality and change the way I live and maybe change my way of thinking.
Now, probably the last thing I’ll probably ever write about my tutor. We always have to write research papers and if we don’t write them well enough, we’ll get kicked out of that subject. So people from my workgroup said our tutor had examined and graded our research papers. Oh man, I was so incredibly scared because 1) I was terrified I hadn’t passed it, and 2) If I hadn’t passed it might have disappointed my tutor. I opened turnitin.com and opened it. And THANK WHOEVER, I passed it with a 7 and I hadn’t felt that happy in a while because finally, something at uni went well. She wrote that I had made great improvements and stuff. At the end she wrote: “Congratulations. Good luck in the second semester, you can do it!” Aw, just so sweet. I love and need it so much when people encourage me, it motivates me a lot. I hope I can prove myself to her and to myself.
I feel like I’m starting to have peace with not being straight. The past few days I haven’t had negative thoughts about it, really. I feel like I don’t really care about it, and I’m not going to label myself. To be honest, I know that this is probably temporarily and there is going to be a period of time where I’m extremely confused and hate it again, but those times and feelings are part of it and I feel like I’m finding myself back again in some kind of way. This is a good thing. I know I haven’t fully accepted it though, because I’m not comfortable with it. But I wouldn’t even have accepted myself even if I were straight because as far as I know I’ve never liked myself and accept who I am and that didn’t include not being straight at the time. Hmm, it won’t be easy but I’ll get there, and why do I have a feeling that this summer is going to help me a lot with it? It probably is more a feeling of hope and desire, but still.
I thought about this when my mum said this: being gay is just as normal as being straight, but gay people make themselves feel special. I don’t think that’s the case. We as a “society” treat gay people as being special and uncommon, and I feel like that’s also why lgbt people have such a hard time accepting themselves. I don’t know. That’s just a theory and my own experience. I just feel weird. Half of the time I wish I was straight and half of the time I’m fine with it. I mean right now I’m so frustrated that I want to die. I want to hurt myself, just cut out the frustration you know. But I can’t do that and that’s good, because there isn’t anything sharp around here. It’s better that way. I hope when I tell someone, like my family, they won’t respond in a way and just be like: okay. NO. That is the worst way to react because to me it’s really important and scary thing to do and I want to vent and don’t just fucking respond with “okay” and then don’t ask or talk about it. No fucking no. When I look into my eyes I don’t see anything, there’s emptiness and a brown eyecolour and that’s it. I want to die right now. If there was a liquid, a pill or anything that would kill me in a non-messy and painless, peaceful way, I would take it. And it is so terrible that I feel like this because my mum and I guess most of my family is accepting towards lgbt. Tears keep welling up right now and I want to scream and yell and destroy myself. I don’t know if this is good. Well of course it isn’t. I’m sitting here, two meters in front of me my mum with her back turned to me and next to her my brother, his back also turned to me. We all live different lives. Mine isn’t included. My mind is somewhere else and they don’t know it because they don’t see me. Ah I wish they would know what went on in my mind who I really am. I’m listening to music but nothing hits me. It’s like the music is passing my ears instead of going in them and I’m staring into nothingness. Tears keep welling up, my mum and brother don’t notice. I want them to notice but at the same time I don’t. I wish they didn’t shove being straight down my throat. If I ever have children I’ll never assume they’re straight. I’ll just ask them. I want to say: I’m not straight. My mind wants to say it but my mouth won’t go. It won’t open and I just can’t get any word out of my mouth, no sound no sound at all. If only they could read this. Just by accident, I’ll leave my laptop open and then they read this. Maybe this makes them understand me a little better because they don’t understand me at all and I can’t reach them. The things I find important, I can’t express them because they’re made fun of. I remember I was so fierce when there was something about gay marriage on tv. They said: why are you being so involved in this and why do you care so much, it hasn’t anything to with you anyway. But it has. Because I either like girls and boys or only girls. Alcohol doesn’t like me today. And I don’t like me either today. I wish I had my own room so I could make any facial expression I want and cry all I want without anyone noticing it because I need to let something out ahhh I don’t even know man. If there is a fucking god which there obviously isn’t, he’s doing some things wrong in this fucking world I mean just look at the continent Africa. Okay you know fuck me, because I’ll come out of this stronger. I know what it’s like to have no friends, to have no support in anything, to be alone and to deal alone with everything. So you know I have to suck it up and get through this or die. Death is appealing. It really is. But it’s the easy way out and I feel, sometimes, that I have a bright future and that I’ll be okay. That everything will be okay. You know when I first doubted my sexuality I thought I immediately thought I was gay. I didn’t think about liking both boys and girls. Maybe this liking both sexes thing is just a way to defend myself, to avoid the truth. But then again, I do get excited when a cute boy is talking to me and if he is sweet so I don’t know you know. I guess I just lean more towards girls or would rather be in a relationship with a girl. It’s so fucking confusing I just want to rip my head off. I want rest.
I feel like a cage, not caged, but a cage
I’m locking someone up and that’s me. I’m the cage and the real me is in there but I can’t show me. I don’t accept myself. The outside me that most people know is a cage and the inside me is the caged. I can’t open myself up. I’m really trying to though