Discoveries

I was wondering. Wondering why, a while ago, it bothered me so much that not one person on this planet knew that I’m not straight. Of course, probably because I hadn’t accepted it and I was hating myself constantly because of it and had no one to talk to about it. Now that a few of my closest friends know that I’m not straight, something else about close friends not knowing it bothers me. At first my main reason was because I was tired of hating myself and I just needed to start accepting it, so I decided to push, throw, shove, whatever you want to call it, myself out of the closet. I needed peace, I needed acceptance not from others, but from myself. There are still a few close friends, who I’ve known for over 10 years and who don’t know I’m not straight yet. However, this time it’s not the fact that they don’t know my ‘true’ sexuality (whatever that may be) that bothers me. What mainly bothers me, is that I can’t share my life with them. I can’t be honest with them. They all trust me, tell me about the people they like, their (non-existent) love lives. I have to keep lying: “nah, I don’t like anybody”, “there’s nothing really happening in my life right now”. Whilst there were things happening. I’m aiming at my tutor on which I had (still sort of have) a huge crush, the whole situation with my best friend, the fights with my mum over all that, the fact that she doesn’t accept my sexuality. Those things are happening right now and I’d like to share them, but I can’t. If isolate myself and ignore them for example, they don’t know the reasons. I can’t share anything personal with them. I feel like there’s too little honesty left. They tell me I’ll find a boyfriend some time soon, but I’d probably rather have a girlfriend. You would think that sexuality isn’t such a big deal, but I’m starting to realise that it is important in situations like I mentioned before. For people my age, deeper personal connections are important in friendships. Those friendships seem shallow to me. 

You’re probably wondering: why not just tell them? If you’ve told your other friends, you might as well tell the others too. You’ve known them for over 10 years, surely you trust them! To the last sentence my reply is: “no”. No I do not, or rather, cannot trust them. They’re religious, they despise gay people, they think it’s disgusting. I feel like if I tell them, there are two possible reactions. 1. They’re disgusted by me and don’t want to be friends with me anymore or they at least treat me differently. 2. They accept me because they’ve known me for quite a while (two of them 10+ years) and it’s just something that they’ll have to get used to. Also, I don’t like telling people since I still find it a bit frightening so that’s what’s keeping me from telling them too. I still haven’t accepted it. There’s a big part of me that wished I was straight. If I could choose, hell, I would be 100% straight. 

Right now I don’t feel a huge pressure to tell those friends. There hasn’t even really been an opportunity to tell them anyway. And after what happened between my mum and I I’m not up for another similar adventure.

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