Thinking straight (pun intended)

I’ve noticed a few things, or rather I noticed there were stages, during realizing I wasn’t straight. Of course this is different for everyone but I feel like some people might just are experiencing or have experienced the same. Let me first tell you that I’m still confused and I can’t identify with something yet, but I’m quite sure of the fact that I’m leaning more towards girls. The way I feel right now, I’d have to say that I’m for 67% on the girls’ team. Anyway let’s get to business. The “stages” I’ve experienced so far:

1. Ignorance. Now I’m looking back on my life I should’ve already realized my non-straightness by the time I was eleven or twelve years old. Instead I just thought I looked up to those girls I fancied, like they were so nice, pretty, popular and yet they accepted me and I was just getting attached to them because of that. Well of course that wasn’t the case when I liked my primary school teacher ha. I had no idea I liked her though. I only realized that about 6 months or one year ago. I called this stage ignorance because I was blind to those feelings, I didn’t see them as feeling attracted to girls, simply because I thought I was straight and I never thought about the possibility of not being straight.

2. Denial/disbelief. By the time I was 15 I started thinking: oh god, what if I’m not straight? The thing that actually triggered that for me was Skins, the series with Naomi and Emily. Seeing two girls together looked so cute and right and especially when they were kissing, because basically that turned me on. When I realized that I just thought: “What the hell, am I gay? Pfff ah I’m not gay, no waaaaay! Me = straight girl.” I asked that question myself a lot though, so I’m seeing that as the moment I started doubting my sexuality. Deep inside I probably knew it, I just didn’t want to see and completely suppressed it.

3. Realization and complete confusion. I was in my last year of high school and I think by that time I had already kind of realized that I liked this girl in my class when I was 15. But the real, actual realization came when she suddenly visited our school again (because after the year I started to like her, at age 15, she changed schools) and by even hearing her name and knowing that she would visit, I got so nervous and my heart started beating incredibly fast. Well that got even worse when she actually arrived and I didn’t even had the chance to talk to her. I saw her standing in front of the door and what I felt was so unusual. I mean that wasn’t the way to feel about some random girl I knew from school who just happened to visit to hand something over to a friend of hers. I almost cried when I felt so confused, it was when I realized: “Oh no. Oh no, no no no NO. I’m in love with that girl. What is happening. Is that really true?” And that was by the time I was 17. I still didn’t want to know it though. Being straight was the one and only thing that still made me “normal” and was an accepted thing, because I wasn’t accepted by people in high school. And I desperately wanted that so I felt like the one thing that made me normal was taken away, I felt so terrible. I have wanted to die and kill myself because of the confusion so many times. I’m still in half this stage actually. I’d say I’m half in this stage and half in the next.

4. Coming to terms/acceptance. There came this point where I thought: okay, so I’m not straight, that’s clear. I hate it. But I’m not straight and can’t change that so I have to accept it. So that’s actually still not acceptance but it was the moment where I decided I should tell people because that might help me accept it. Telling the first few people was the scariest thing ever, I had no idea how people would react to it. By now actually quite a few people know it. I’ve only told the people I trust though and from whom I know they don’t have any problems with people being queer. And I’m starting to accept it, I can feel that because I haven’t had any real serious negative thoughts about it for almost two months and before that I used to hate and wanted to die, I never wanted to wake up ever again. Trigger warning: I hate admitting this but I even self-harmed a few times because things got too much and I felt this inexplicable need to hurt myself. That wasn’t only because of this though. (I don’t know if writing trigger warning was necessary but lots of people on the internet seem to make a big deal out of this)

Anyway, I’m expecting the next stage to be: awesomeness. I still have a hard time accepting it and I can’t talk about it whilst feeling comfortable but I’ll get there, I’m sure!

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