Palma Violets – Best of Friends

I discovered this band today through someone else’s blog and this song, oh this song, it’s so accurate. It couldn’t be more fitting.

“I wanna be your best friend
I don’t want you to be my girl
I wanna be your best friend
I don’t want you to be my…
I don’t want you to be my…”

The refrain describes what’s happening in my life right now. My best friend is in love with me but the feelings aren’t mutual. I want to be her best friend and I don’t want her to be my “girl”. And this may not be under which circumstances they wrote this song, but everybody gives their own interpretation to the songs and lyrics they listen to. Besides that I can relate to it, this simply is a fantastic song and I’d definitely recommend listening to it, as well as to their other songs, for example: Last of the Summer Wine and Step Up for the Cool Cats.



I was wondering. Wondering why, a while ago, it bothered me so much that not one person on this planet knew that I’m not straight. Of course, probably because I hadn’t accepted it and I was hating myself constantly because of it and had no one to talk to about it. Now that a few of my closest friends know that I’m not straight, something else about close friends not knowing it bothers me. At first my main reason was because I was tired of hating myself and I just needed to start accepting it, so I decided to push, throw, shove, whatever you want to call it, myself out of the closet. I needed peace, I needed acceptance not from others, but from myself. There are still a few close friends, who I’ve known for over 10 years and who don’t know I’m not straight yet. However, this time it’s not the fact that they don’t know my ‘true’ sexuality (whatever that may be) that bothers me. What mainly bothers me, is that I can’t share my life with them. I can’t be honest with them. They all trust me, tell me about the people they like, their (non-existent) love lives. I have to keep lying: “nah, I don’t like anybody”, “there’s nothing really happening in my life right now”. Whilst there were things happening. I’m aiming at my tutor on which I had (still sort of have) a huge crush, the whole situation with my best friend, the fights with my mum over all that, the fact that she doesn’t accept my sexuality. Those things are happening right now and I’d like to share them, but I can’t. If isolate myself and ignore them for example, they don’t know the reasons. I can’t share anything personal with them. I feel like there’s too little honesty left. They tell me I’ll find a boyfriend some time soon, but I’d probably rather have a girlfriend. You would think that sexuality isn’t such a big deal, but I’m starting to realise that it is important in situations like I mentioned before. For people my age, deeper personal connections are important in friendships. Those friendships seem shallow to me. 

You’re probably wondering: why not just tell them? If you’ve told your other friends, you might as well tell the others too. You’ve known them for over 10 years, surely you trust them! To the last sentence my reply is: “no”. No I do not, or rather, cannot trust them. They’re religious, they despise gay people, they think it’s disgusting. I feel like if I tell them, there are two possible reactions. 1. They’re disgusted by me and don’t want to be friends with me anymore or they at least treat me differently. 2. They accept me because they’ve known me for quite a while (two of them 10+ years) and it’s just something that they’ll have to get used to. Also, I don’t like telling people since I still find it a bit frightening so that’s what’s keeping me from telling them too. I still haven’t accepted it. There’s a big part of me that wished I was straight. If I could choose, hell, I would be 100% straight. 

Right now I don’t feel a huge pressure to tell those friends. There hasn’t even really been an opportunity to tell them anyway. And after what happened between my mum and I I’m not up for another similar adventure.

Things I’m going to do different from my mum

My mum definitely isn’t a bad mum, no way. There are a lot worse people to deal with, but she has hurt me a great deal, and she still does. Personally, I think raising children is one of the hardest things in life. There’s still not one explicit good manner of raising or set of rules you can to follow which result in good parenthood. However, it’s known that some things, whether mentally or physically, are harmful. For example talking down on your child, beating (punishment) your child when you want them to stop showing certain kinds of behaviour and so on. Even according to Skinner punishment isn’t the way to change behaviour, it doesn’t have long term effects and possibly has harmful side effects as well. From what I’ve picked up during my lectures and books, it seems that the best way to correct your children is by explaining them what they did wrong, why it was wrong and to let them sit on a chair for a few minutes since it’ll help them develop a theory of mind and doesn’t harm them. You know, the Supernanny method. Anyway, that’s not where I want to go with this. There are some things I’d like to to differently when I’m, no if I ever become, a mother. I disagree with how my mum’s treated me throughout the years, and that’s why I’m writing this down. Because one day, when I am a mum, I don’t want to make the same mistakes my mum made (in my eyes). I want to be able to read this back one day and think: yes; I did things differently and I’ve done them well. I don’t want to end up realising that I’ve never applied the things I’m about to write down. Here we go:

1. Be supportive. I know this is a very general statement, so let me explain further. When my child comes up with an idea, I’m not going to burn it down to the ground. Of course, if the idea is dangerous or anything, I would tell them, but I don’t ever want to get mad and yell at my child for having an idea or a dream. I want my child to believe in themselves, be confident, to feel like they’re capable of achieving the things they want and not to be ashamed of themselves. Lots of things are in the genes but you can shape your children as well.

2. Don’t swear at my children. I can totally imagine that children can be such a pain and I bet it’s hard to control yourself sometimes, but no. Swearing at my children is one of the things I want to prevent as much as possible. Especially when you’re older, you start to become aware of yourself and hurtful words start to have more and more influence on you. The hurtful things my mum says get stuck in my brain like chewing gum on the streets.

3. Don’t hurt them psychologically/mentally. It’s actually the same as swearing at your children, but I feel like what I mean is slightly different? What I’m talking about is when my mum continually, every single day, told me I would fail. I’m not exaggerating, we had fights every day when I was thirteen/fourteen. She told me I would fail high school, that I was lazy and not smart enough. My drive to prove her wrong became huge and I was never so motivated, and I passed. In the end I felt like I wasn’t good enough anyway, but my mum didn’t cause that. It’s something that’s always been in me and to be honest I’ve ever never in my life felt completely confident. I believe the combination of my mum and not making/having any friends in high school I have to reflect on my years in high school for a minute because my lack of confidence right now is probably simply because I had made zero friends in my six years of high school. You know, the psychological effects of not belong to a group, all that jazz.

4. Never call my kids fat. Don’t even get me started about this. Children learn that being fat is a bad thing, and when your mum calls you fat? No bueno. It’s one of the things you shouldn’t ever say. If you’re worried your child is getting too “fat”, which absolutely wasn’t the case for me by the way, just stop buying so much sweets. Tell them you want them to be healthy, just bring it positively.

5. Don’t shove my own beliefs down my children’s throat and don’t ridicule their own beliefs. I think children already base most their beliefs on what parents tell them at home, but what if your child has some beliefs you don’t agree with? Because that’s bound to happen one day. So what if your child wants to become a vegetarian, don’t make fun of them for that. If it’s what they believe in, support them. And if you really can’t wrap your mind around it, just don’t say anything bad about it.

6. Admit my mistakes. I’ve noticed that my mum has a difficult time admitting her mistakes to me. For if I might forget this, I’m going to give this as an example: I just walked downstairs and was standing in the kitchen grabbing some food. My mum was watching television and I have no idea what it was, but there were two women kissing. While I was in the room, she yelled in disgust: “Eww, GROSS, those two girls kissing each other, ugh! I’m going to take a shower, you go and watch it if you want.” I’m not straight, my mum knows I like girls, yet she didn’t even think about what she said. I laughed it off and ignored it, but later that night I did ask her why she was acting so weird and her response: “Yeaaaah well, I’m sorry but I just don’t like seeing it and I can’t change myself.” I even tried explaining her why it bothered me, by telling her it’s a useless, offensive thing to say when I’m around and by asking her if she could keep the fact that I’m not straight into account, or could just not say those type of things when I’m in the room, but alas, her attitude didn’t change and she kept defending herself with the exact same sentence. I let it rest. Anyway, the moral here is that she either just didn’t want to admit that she was wrong here, or actually didn’t get it, which I can’t imagine by the way. I feel like my mum thinks she’s being attacked by me every time she says a hurtful thing and I defend myself, but in my point of view I’m just trying to make her realise that she hurts me with certain things she says. Whenever my child tries to correct me or tells me I’m doing the wrong thing, I don’t want to be blind for that, but I want to learn from it. I think everyone can learn new things from everyone, despite their age because honestly, age doesn’t measure knowledge about the world and life-experience correctly. I know a whole lot of old, ignorant humans.

7. Don’t see my children as ignorant. I don’t want to underestimate my child’s knowledge. Of course, as you’re older as a parent you do know more but by the time your child’s 18 years old, you’re not that superior anymore as a parent. In my experience, a lot of parents still see their 18+ children as ignorant and stupid, but they know a lot more than you think. Of course, they probably haven’t been through some of the stuff you’ve been through, but that doesn’t mean they don’t know anything about this world. We all know different things because we categorize everything from our own experience and no one knows the same things or perceives them in exactly the same way.

I’m not sure if this list is complete. And I’ve realized that I’ve only written down things having to do with my mum. That’s of course because I’m a woman too and I’ll be a mother and not a father. The thing is, I guess, that my father basically hasn’t been involved much. He is there, my parents aren’t divorced and he’s great, but my dad didn’t actively participated in raising us. So basically, it’s pretty hard to make any remarks. Besides the fact that he should’ve participated more. Also, the chances or me having a man as my husband aren’t that big anyway, so ha.

Open up, my friend

I believe we might all meet one of those people. I’m talking about people who never, ever, open up to others. They keep everything to themselves and you just wonder what you can do to make them open up. To be honest, I used to be one of those people. And in a way, I’m still like that. But only towards my family and people I don’t trust or don’t feel comfortable around.

I’m going to use the example of my best friend here. We’ve been best friends for 14 years now, and that’s a long time, I’d say. Seeing as I believe that I can’t leave this part out of my “story” of trying to make a point here (I’m not even sure if I want to make a point, though): my best friend told me that she’s in love with me, but the feelings aren’t mutual. If there was one thing that I wish existed, it would be the capability of making people fall in love with you because that would be quite perfect, my best friend could make me fall in love with her and we would both have our first relationship, hooray! Alas, that’s just fantasy and let’s not get carried away.

I’ve always known that she’s one of those people who doesn’t open up, and if she does tell me how she feels, she presents it like a joke, which makes it very hard to determine whether she’s being serious or not. The day after I had found out my best friend liked me, I wanted to talk to her and ask her what she wanted me to do: talk to her like nothing ever happened, stop talking for a while, anything. The way I spoke, or rather, typed, because it wasn’t in person, was apparently very serious and formal. The way my best friend and I usually talk to each other is in capitals and in a non-serious way. When we do talk about problems, it’s usually her telling me about things that bother her, like university and stuff with her dad. I’m the listener here. The way she tells me those things though, she makes it sounds like it doesn’t matter AT ALL. And it does, I’m sure it bothers her a lot. When I talked to her in with that serious tone, she said: “lol what is this, why are you talking in such a formal and serious way, this isn’t normal!?”. To me, it didn’t seem formal or serious at all. And even if it was, I believe that sometimes serious talks are necessary. When I asked her how she was doing and what she wanted from me, she completely avoided those questions. It’s so hard for me to get through her. Now of course I can definitely imagine that me knowing she’s in love with me makes it harder to open up to me, I’m guessing she feels incredibly uncomfortable. But even before all that she’s always acted like she doesn’t need anyone to talk to, but the truth is that I think she definitely does. Humans are “group-animals”  and we need love, care and support. That’s just the way we are and of course every human is different, but those are things every human needs a certain amount of. If my best friend would open up to me, we’d have a much deeper emotional connection. I do try opening up to her, but if I don’t get any feedback, it’s very hard to keep doing so. What I’ve learned from all those years of not opening up to anyone is that it turns against you. You bottle everything up, all your negative feelings build up and up and up and there’s no end to it. Once you start opening up, little by little, you start noticing that it isn’t that bad. I still have those small panic pangs where I “relapse” (hyperbole, sorry guys) and think to myself: “oh my god why did I tell all those things, I’m never going to open up again.” But they don’t weigh up to the support and understanding I receive from my friends. I know exactly what it’s like to be one of those people and changing that is actually possible. You just have to want it, and more importantly: do it and work for it, because it’s not a restaurant and there’s no waiter who’ll bring you this. I’ve changed a lot during my six years of high school and I can say that I’ve changed the most during these 6 months of university. It’s brought me so much positive things (and of course negative things too, since I’m failing right now). Opening up to people is one of the scariest things I’ve ever done. It got easier the more I did it though, like it is with a lot of things. If you’re struggling with opening up but you desperately want to, please do it. Please. It’s scary, so scary, but you’ll have so many benefits from it. The benefits I had from it: closer friendships, more confidence and trust in those friendships, mutual trust, support from others, more emotional bonding, decrease in loneliness, a less burdened feeling, more confidence (possibly), being yourself more and finding out who you are a bit more. Those are a few of the things. Now for me this definitely hasn’t solved the conflicts I fight with myself, but talking about those things helps. And I’d say that every little bit helps, doesn’t it?

It was all just a crush?!

Do you ever meet a person who you’re so drawn to. And it starts off small and then step by step you realize how they are even more beautiful, as a person. At one point you’re just like…woah, their face. Just their FACE. Oh my god. Her eyes, her smile. Her eyes when she smiles, even better. Her voice and every other aspect of her personality. It appears in your head, but not in front of you. You can’t touch it and you never will, you might even never see it again. I’m torturing myself with thoughts. Don’t do this to yourself, my friends. It’s no bueno. Liking someone more than you should is not good. I thought it was just a crush and I kind of still think it is, but at the same time it isn’t, if that makes sense? There is a longing to see her in person that hurts inside and makes me feel empty, but it’s not like I think about her all day. My new tutor said that at the end of this year there’s this event where all students and all tutors come together and talk, have a drink and stuff. And I’m already looking forward to that because I’ll see my old tutor again, I mean, that is not how you’d feel if it was just a small crush, right? I make up scenarios where I walk into her at uni, or talk to her, or just anything. If she would kiss me or ask me to date her, I wouldn’t even hesitate a second. I miss her right now, oh god, why. One comforting thing is that I can’t do anything about it. I can’t stop liking her, that’s out of my control. I’m not sure why that’s comforting because I assume it should be frightening, not having control? It usually does scare me. But in a way it is comforting because I can’t blame myself and the feelings will pass the less I see her.


Secrets of the Wild Child

Seeing as I’m studying psychology, our teachers show us lots of videos and parts of documentaries. One of those was “Genie Wiley – Secrets of the Wild Child”. This documentary really stuck with me and made a huge impression on me, which is why I wanted to share it with you. Here’s a short description of what it’s about:

In the fall of 1970, social workers took custody of a 13-year-old child who had spent much of her life chained to a potty chair in her bedroom. She could not speak, walk, or respond to other people. She was called “Genie.” Her case attracted psychologists who were interested in finding out whether she could still learn to speak. At the time, some linguists, led by MIT’s Noam Chomsky, believed that human speech is a genetically programmed ability. Eric Lenneberg, a neuropsychologist, agreed with Chomsky and added further that if a person did not learn to speak by adolescence, then the natural ability to learn language might be lost forever. This theory was the so-called “critical period hypothesis.”

If you’re interested in psychology I really recommend watching this. But, hey, even if you’re not interested in psychology, I’d recommend it. This documentary is shocking, fascinating, interesting and for me, it had this aftertaste of sadness. It’s one of those things you never quite forget.

Thinking straight (pun intended)

I’ve noticed a few things, or rather I noticed there were stages, during realizing I wasn’t straight. Of course this is different for everyone but I feel like some people might just are experiencing or have experienced the same. Let me first tell you that I’m still confused and I can’t identify with something yet, but I’m quite sure of the fact that I’m leaning more towards girls. The way I feel right now, I’d have to say that I’m for 67% on the girls’ team. Anyway let’s get to business. The “stages” I’ve experienced so far:

1. Ignorance. Now I’m looking back on my life I should’ve already realized my non-straightness by the time I was eleven or twelve years old. Instead I just thought I looked up to those girls I fancied, like they were so nice, pretty, popular and yet they accepted me and I was just getting attached to them because of that. Well of course that wasn’t the case when I liked my primary school teacher ha. I had no idea I liked her though. I only realized that about 6 months or one year ago. I called this stage ignorance because I was blind to those feelings, I didn’t see them as feeling attracted to girls, simply because I thought I was straight and I never thought about the possibility of not being straight.

2. Denial/disbelief. By the time I was 15 I started thinking: oh god, what if I’m not straight? The thing that actually triggered that for me was Skins, the series with Naomi and Emily. Seeing two girls together looked so cute and right and especially when they were kissing, because basically that turned me on. When I realized that I just thought: “What the hell, am I gay? Pfff ah I’m not gay, no waaaaay! Me = straight girl.” I asked that question myself a lot though, so I’m seeing that as the moment I started doubting my sexuality. Deep inside I probably knew it, I just didn’t want to see and completely suppressed it.

3. Realization and complete confusion. I was in my last year of high school and I think by that time I had already kind of realized that I liked this girl in my class when I was 15. But the real, actual realization came when she suddenly visited our school again (because after the year I started to like her, at age 15, she changed schools) and by even hearing her name and knowing that she would visit, I got so nervous and my heart started beating incredibly fast. Well that got even worse when she actually arrived and I didn’t even had the chance to talk to her. I saw her standing in front of the door and what I felt was so unusual. I mean that wasn’t the way to feel about some random girl I knew from school who just happened to visit to hand something over to a friend of hers. I almost cried when I felt so confused, it was when I realized: “Oh no. Oh no, no no no NO. I’m in love with that girl. What is happening. Is that really true?” And that was by the time I was 17. I still didn’t want to know it though. Being straight was the one and only thing that still made me “normal” and was an accepted thing, because I wasn’t accepted by people in high school. And I desperately wanted that so I felt like the one thing that made me normal was taken away, I felt so terrible. I have wanted to die and kill myself because of the confusion so many times. I’m still in half this stage actually. I’d say I’m half in this stage and half in the next.

4. Coming to terms/acceptance. There came this point where I thought: okay, so I’m not straight, that’s clear. I hate it. But I’m not straight and can’t change that so I have to accept it. So that’s actually still not acceptance but it was the moment where I decided I should tell people because that might help me accept it. Telling the first few people was the scariest thing ever, I had no idea how people would react to it. By now actually quite a few people know it. I’ve only told the people I trust though and from whom I know they don’t have any problems with people being queer. And I’m starting to accept it, I can feel that because I haven’t had any real serious negative thoughts about it for almost two months and before that I used to hate and wanted to die, I never wanted to wake up ever again. Trigger warning: I hate admitting this but I even self-harmed a few times because things got too much and I felt this inexplicable need to hurt myself. That wasn’t only because of this though. (I don’t know if writing trigger warning was necessary but lots of people on the internet seem to make a big deal out of this)

Anyway, I’m expecting the next stage to be: awesomeness. I still have a hard time accepting it and I can’t talk about it whilst feeling comfortable but I’ll get there, I’m sure!


My words never make any sounds

Eyes turned inside to find myself

Short intense happiness

Never lasting long

I already posted this a while ago but I wanted to get back to it because I actually like this. I wrote it myself, that’s one thing I know, but I can’t remember writing it. It’s like I can’t remember being consciously occupied with writing it, as if it all happened in a blur.

What are my views on the world?

One thing they definitely are is contradicting. To me the world is a beautiful place at times, while it’s also a terrible place to live in. Just think about the many things that (I think) are wrong here. Starvation, suppression, bullying, communism, wars, homophobia, the pressure of being skinny, how men have to be tough and muscular and how having lots of sex is cool for them, how women need to show off skin – but not too much because god forbid how awful -, how having a lot of sex is slutty, how people are too concerned with other people’s lives, how mental health is underestimated and I could go on and on. Let’s not forget the good and positive things though: having supportive friends (and family), airplanes and other transport, mountains and nature in general, being able to get an education, films and series, science, freedom of speech, music (!), games, being able to fantasize, tolerance, education, food and so on. I have to admit that I actually had a much harder time thinking of positive things, but maybe that’s something I lack: positive thinking. As I was typing this I was slowly realizing that the things I was listing are things that only wealthy, Western or “free” countries have. I can’t get around the fact that there are so many people living in misery, in fear and insecurity. Whether it’s because it’s not sure if they’ll have food the next day, have a mental disorder or illness (yes, I’m comparing these two. They’re both bad things happening in completely different worlds), have to live in fear because of being bullied, because they can’t be honest about their sexuality. This one goes to the heart and I count myself so lucky to live in a half-tolerant environment towards queer people. I can’t not think about these things though and I haven’t figured out how people can be completely happy when there are so many things wrong. Maybe I should accept the world as it is, embrace it and live by its “rules” and expectations. But somehow, that feels wrong.

My opinion on people. I’ll warn you because it’s influenced by years of bad experience, recent good experiences as well as studying Psychology. As my methodology teacher told us, people are ignorant. We humans think we’re smart but actually, we’re not at all. We’re bad at thinking logically, reasoning syllogistically and I could go on. We want to have control but we’re not in control of ourselves, seeing as lots of things are in our genes and are influenced by the environment we live in. My high school caused me having a deformed reality of humans: people are bad, judgmental, everyone is like in high school and people won’t like you until you have cool party hardy stories. The truth is that people are actually judgmental. We can’t help it, we just judge but I believe you can control to which extent you judge people. I’d love to be able to say that I don’t judge people but I do. It’s safe to say that I’m not too judgmental though. I couldn’t care less what people do with their life, how they dress, what they look like. It’s all about your personality in the end. Now that I’ve started university I found out that people will like you. They’ll like you for who you are, they’ll accept you and people are nice and kind and you don’t have to be “cool”. Basically there are just so many different people: we’re all snowflakes remember (excuse me for being cliche here).

Well. I’m not sure if my views on this world make any sense at all. But who ever said they had to make sense?

Some things I’ve learned about friends

Literally every friend, every person, is different. There are good friends and as well as bad friends. What my definition of “bad friends” is, is friends who don’t listen to you, who are not interested in you, treat you like you’re unimportant, who make you feel like you don’t matter and who put you down. From experience I’ve learned that not having friends is better than having bad friends who put you down and don’t listen to you. Not having friends (or like only having one friend who you don’t see or talk to every day) made me feel pretty lonely. It wasn’t like I  was completely friendless, I used to see some friends once every few months, which isn’t a lot of course, but still. It made me spent 90% of my time on my own, which makes you think and get to know yourself. The loneliest place was high school, the anxious feeling, the people surrounding me, please never again. My last year was the worst year I had. Because then, I literally had no friends in the entire school. I never made new friends to begin with, but now I was truly alone. God, some days I even used to be the stereotypical kid who spends their breaks in the toilet, how sad. I’m not sure where I’m going with this story about high school though. Where I want to go is that because I didn’t have any friends, I didn’t have bad friends either. No friends means not having a lot of social interaction, sharing problems etc and basically bottling everything up. Though having bad friends means having some sort of social interaction, possibly express (some of) your concerns and problems, but while you do that, you get negative responses from your friends. I actually believe having no friends or having bad friends are very different and the effects they have on you differ as well. It’s like being the “abandoned/ignored child” and the “rejected child”. For me, not making new friends and just barely having friends completely broke down my confidence. It made me feel weird, like there was something wrong with me. Was I boring? I started to believe I was the most boring person to ever exist. My appearance? Don’t even. After high school, which is right now, I started university. I’ve now been studying Psychology for 6 months and I’ve made three wonderful friends, like really. They are the friends I never dreamt of having. I tell them basically everything. The stuff about my best friend and you know, they’re so helpful and they listen and they’re supportive and try to help and it’s exactly the other way around too. Besides those friends I’ve also met A LOT of other nice people who I can talk to and sit next to and have a nice conversation and stuff. I just need to go back in time because in my last year of high school I started working at my local supermarket, where I first made new friends in 6 years time. I got back in touch with a friend who I hadn’t seen in many many years and started seeing one of my friends a lot more often. After a few months I also made two new friends and soon enough the five of us became a group of friends, a clique. That was (and is) my first adolescent “friend group” I had, at the age of 17. After about a year now, I realize that only one (maybe two) of those people really care(s) about me. The others barely show any interest in me and I don’t trust them (enough), they judge me on some level and don’t show much support. They’re on a completely different emotional level and way of thinking than I am and that makes it harder to interact with them. There are things they don’t understand about the world and they don’t see the world like I do, like we have completely different views. At one point I was tired of being their friend because I felt like they just didn’t care and they made me feel really unimportant. The thing is that I always have to listen to them, to their complaints and problems, but when there’s something that bothers me: no reaction and no interest. And I’ve been distancing myself from those two friends, especially one of them, and it makes me feel a bit better because there’s less negativity in my life. In the end, I think all that I’ve learned from this is that I and everyone else, only deserve people who add something positive to their life.