Update on my life

Life’s been hectic. I’ve started university, been ill a lot and life happened. University isn’t been going great but I’m trying to pick up the pieces and make things right in order to pass this year. There’s no other option but to pass this year, I can’t even imagine failing this year. My best friend is in love with me, which really sucks because I don’t have feelings for her. It struck me even more because I always assumed she’s straight. When I told her that I’m not straight, she never assumed that she wasn’t straight either, she didn’t say anything at all. I don’t understand why she wouldn’t tell me if she was doubting her sexuality at the time I “came out” to her. I mean am I the first girl she’s ever liked or what a friend of mine said: is she just infatuated with me because she’s so alone all of the time? Her dad is revalidating so he’s never home, her brother is gone most of the time and her mum works every day so she’s basically alone all the time. But if that’s the case then it wouldn’t be such a long crush. Plus she told me it ”sneaked in gradually”, I’m not sure if that happens when people become infatuated? I have no experience with people being infatuated and my other friend probably has but I think it’s more likely that she actually really likes me. Hmm and what if I could develop feelings for my best friend. That would be the most awkward relationship ever oh my god hahaha. No but honestly, I only felt completely terrible when she told me. And if anything, I’m just in love with the idea of having a girlfriend/relationship. Another friend of mine suggested/asked if it would be possible for me to go on a date to see if I can develop romantic feelings. The idea that someone’s in love with me is flattering to be honest, and especially weird. I can’t say “oh no one loves me” or “oh I wish someone liked me”. But love sucks if you can’t give love back. Receiving a love you can’t answer is terrible, especially for the person who loves you. Gah I got such a weird feeling. What if I DO develop feelings for my best friend though? And I do like my tutor a lot. Ah my tutor, jesus christ she’s so adorable. Blue eyes, straight blonde hair (just reaches her shoulders), SHE HAS THE CUTEST SMILE EVER AND HER EYES ARE SO SHINY WHEN SHE SMILES  I CAN’T HANDLE VISUALIZING IT IT MAKES ME SMILE SO MUCH. But besides that, she is so sweet, definitely one of the kindest people I’ve met and she really seems to care. Also she’s so funny and ugh just the cutest person ever. Last Friday (January 25th) we had our last class because we’re getting divided into different work groups and stuff so as a group we decided it’d be a good idea to give her a present. Well because of obvious reasons it was my idea to give her a present, so I bought the wine. God can I say how awkward it was to get up and kind of announce it. It was after we had our presentations and after we filled in ALL the evaluation papers. And everybody just talked with each other and was totally getting into their conversations, but one girl had to leave for work soon so I had to give it to my tutor before the girl left otherwise it would be lame. Finally people began to notice that I was going to hand it over because I was already standing up and got my bag on the table haha. I was like: “On behalf of our whole work group, we’d like to give you something to thank you for the all the lessons.” She said: Awww you guys shouldn’t have done this!” and she turned a bit red and got shy and said: “Oh no I’m getting all warm because of this aw thank you guys” IT WAS THE MOST ADORABLE THING EVER OH MY GOD I’M STILL SO NOT OVER THIS MOMENT. Anyway, after that most people left and me and 4 others decided to help cleaning a bit and stuff and we talked for a few minutes. We were going to leave and I shook her hand, you know because I thought I had to,  she really did help me in the end so yeah. And I thanked her and I was like: “I’ll let you know how things are going, keep you up-to-date and stuff” and she said: “Aww yes I would really love that, please do!” I just thought that was so cute, again. I don’t think I mentioned this in my post but my tutor recommended seeing the school psychologist, she kind of insisted on it. Well not really insisted, but she said things like: “I would really do it if I were you”, ”it’d be smart for you to do it, and if you don’t like it you can just stop” a few times. She did convince me to go there. I think she’s right, talking to someone just might help me solve myself and it’d be so good if it would be solved like RIGHT NOW (at least not in 5 years I mean, when I have to apply to jobs and such, that was also one of her arguments) I also don’t want to bother my friends with it. That psychologist could maybe help me to accept my sexuality and change the way I live and maybe change my way of thinking.

Now, probably the last thing I’ll probably ever write about my tutor. We always have to write research papers and if we don’t write them well enough, we’ll get kicked out of that subject. So people from my workgroup said our tutor had examined and graded our research papers. Oh man, I was so incredibly scared because 1) I was terrified I hadn’t passed it, and 2) If I hadn’t passed it might have disappointed my tutor. I opened turnitin.com and opened it. And THANK WHOEVER, I passed it with a 7 and I hadn’t felt that happy in a while because finally, something at uni went well. She wrote that I had made great improvements and stuff. At the end she wrote: “Congratulations. Good luck in the second semester, you can do it!” Aw, just so sweet. I love and need it so much when people encourage me, it motivates me a lot. I hope I can prove myself to her and to myself.

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I feel like I’m starting to have peace with not being straight. The past few days I haven’t had negative thoughts about it, really. I feel like I don’t really care about it, and I’m not going to label myself. To be honest, I know that this is probably temporarily and there is going to be a period of time where I’m extremely confused and hate it again, but those times and feelings are part of it and I feel like I’m finding myself back again in some kind of way. This is a good thing. I know I haven’t fully accepted it though, because I’m not comfortable with it. But I wouldn’t even have accepted myself even if I were straight because as far as I know I’ve never liked myself and accept who I am and that didn’t include not being straight at the time. Hmm, it won’t be easy but I’ll get there, and why do I have a feeling that this summer is going to help me a lot with it? It probably is more a feeling of hope and desire, but still.