Aside

I thought about this when my mum said this: being gay is just as normal as being straight, but gay people make themselves feel special. I don’t think that’s the case. We as a “society” treat gay people as being special and uncommon, and I feel like that’s also why lgbt people have such a hard time accepting themselves. I don’t know. That’s just a theory and my own experience. I just feel weird. Half of the time I wish I was straight and half of the time I’m fine with it. I mean right now I’m so frustrated that I want to die. I want to hurt myself, just cut out the frustration you know. But I can’t do that and that’s good, because there isn’t anything sharp around here. It’s better that way. I hope when I tell someone, like my family, they won’t respond in a way and just be like: okay. NO. That is the worst way to react because to me it’s really important and scary thing to do and I want to vent and don’t just fucking respond with “okay” and then don’t ask or talk about it. No fucking no. When I look into my eyes I don’t see anything, there’s emptiness and a brown eyecolour and that’s it. I want to die right now. If there was a liquid, a pill or anything that would kill me in a non-messy and painless, peaceful way, I would take it. And it is so terrible that I feel like this because my mum and I guess most of my family is accepting towards lgbt. Tears keep welling up right now and I want to scream and yell and destroy myself. I don’t know if this is good. Well of course it isn’t. I’m sitting here, two meters in front of me my mum with her back turned to me and next to her my brother, his back also turned to me. We all live different lives. Mine isn’t included. My mind is somewhere else and they don’t know it because they don’t see me. Ah I wish they would know what went on in my mind who I really am. I’m listening to music but nothing hits me. It’s like the music is passing my ears instead of going in them and I’m staring into nothingness. Tears keep welling up, my mum and brother don’t notice. I want them to notice but at the same time I don’t. I wish they didn’t shove being straight down my throat. If I ever have children I’ll never assume they’re straight. I’ll just ask them. I want to say: I’m not straight. My mind wants to say it but my mouth won’t go. It won’t open and I just can’t get any word out of my mouth, no sound no sound at all. If only they could read this. Just by accident, I’ll leave my laptop open and then they read this. Maybe this makes them understand me a little better because they don’t understand me at all and I can’t reach them. The things I find important, I can’t express them because they’re made fun of. I remember I was so fierce when there was something about gay marriage on tv. They said: why are you being so involved in this and why do you care so much, it hasn’t anything to with you anyway. But it has. Because I either like girls and boys or only girls. Alcohol doesn’t like me today. And I don’t like me either today. I wish I had my own room so I could make any facial expression I want and cry all I want without anyone noticing it because I need to let something out ahhh I don’t even know man. If there is a fucking god which there obviously isn’t, he’s doing some things wrong in this fucking world I mean just look at the continent Africa. Okay you know fuck me, because I’ll come out of this stronger. I know what it’s like to have no friends, to have no support in anything, to be alone and to deal alone with everything. So you know I have to suck it up and get through this or die. Death is appealing. It really is. But it’s the easy way out and I feel, sometimes, that I have a bright future and that I’ll be okay. That everything will be okay. You know when I first doubted my sexuality I thought I immediately thought I was gay. I didn’t think about liking both boys and girls. Maybe this liking both sexes thing is just a way to defend myself, to avoid the truth. But then again, I do get excited when a cute boy is talking to me and if he is sweet so I don’t know you know. I guess I just lean more towards girls or would rather be in a relationship with a girl. It’s so fucking confusing I just want to rip my head off. I want rest.