Aside

i just posted something like this on tumblr and then deleted it after 2 minutes ha and only anna aka indicates read it  because she replied ‘ily’ on it so i guess i’m pretty happy about that because she’s really cool even though i never talk to her. we just like each others text posts and react on them sometimes :’)

omfg i’m going to regret making this post so much but fuck it because this will be deleted in like 1 minute and no one i know is still online now so yay. i’ve never talked about this to anyone and i only have these things in my head

i’m tired of myself because my thoughts are really negative or really positive and there is no middle ground about this. like i like boys but then i’m almost convinced i also like girls and 50% of the time i’m like yeah okay this is cool now i can fall in love with more people and the other half of the time i can’t accept it at ALL and i think all the negative things you can think of but i don’t want to think like that BECAUSE IT’S NOT WEIRD AND I SHOULD JUST ACCEPT IT

also everybody i know thinks i’m 100% straight which makes it awkward sometimes ha but i’m not gonna tell them because i don’t think it’s important??

omg okay you should all feel so honoured now because you’re the first people who know this!!!! :DD

 

—-

Okay but for REAL. After I made and deleted this text post, I feel like I really want to tell my best friend about that I also like girls. I mean tumblr is the place I want to completely be myself and yeah I can’t make the text posts I want and just BE MYSELF. Because I feel like it’s a part of my personality that I’m hiding. Sigh yeah. If she really is my best friend she should accept it.  I’m never going to tell two of my friends who think gay people are gross and weird and can be fucking cured by praying JFC JUST GO AWAY. And now I’m crying because I’m confused and have come to the realization that I won’t ever be able to tell the friend I’ve known for 10 years already. I can certainly tell the friend I’ve known since I was 3 years old. Yes yep. It makes me want to die and I’m not overreacting, every time my thoughts float towards the negative side I feel sick on the inside and anxiety kicks in and depressing thoughts and suicide thoughts. I’m so tired of this. It really can’t be this hard to accept it. If someone else likes boys/girls/whatever I completely accept it but if it’s me I just can’t accept it? It doesn’t make sense to me ugh. 

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