Aside

i just posted something like this on tumblr and then deleted it after 2 minutes ha and only anna aka indicates read it  because she replied ‘ily’ on it so i guess i’m pretty happy about that because she’s really cool even though i never talk to her. we just like each others text posts and react on them sometimes :’)

omfg i’m going to regret making this post so much but fuck it because this will be deleted in like 1 minute and no one i know is still online now so yay. i’ve never talked about this to anyone and i only have these things in my head

i’m tired of myself because my thoughts are really negative or really positive and there is no middle ground about this. like i like boys but then i’m almost convinced i also like girls and 50% of the time i’m like yeah okay this is cool now i can fall in love with more people and the other half of the time i can’t accept it at ALL and i think all the negative things you can think of but i don’t want to think like that BECAUSE IT’S NOT WEIRD AND I SHOULD JUST ACCEPT IT

also everybody i know thinks i’m 100% straight which makes it awkward sometimes ha but i’m not gonna tell them because i don’t think it’s important??

omg okay you should all feel so honoured now because you’re the first people who know this!!!! :DD

 

—-

Okay but for REAL. After I made and deleted this text post, I feel like I really want to tell my best friend about that I also like girls. I mean tumblr is the place I want to completely be myself and yeah I can’t make the text posts I want and just BE MYSELF. Because I feel like it’s a part of my personality that I’m hiding. Sigh yeah. If she really is my best friend she should accept it.  I’m never going to tell two of my friends who think gay people are gross and weird and can be fucking cured by praying JFC JUST GO AWAY. And now I’m crying because I’m confused and have come to the realization that I won’t ever be able to tell the friend I’ve known for 10 years already. I can certainly tell the friend I’ve known since I was 3 years old. Yes yep. It makes me want to die and I’m not overreacting, every time my thoughts float towards the negative side I feel sick on the inside and anxiety kicks in and depressing thoughts and suicide thoughts. I’m so tired of this. It really can’t be this hard to accept it. If someone else likes boys/girls/whatever I completely accept it but if it’s me I just can’t accept it? It doesn’t make sense to me ugh. 

Advertisements
Aside

My words never make any sounds

Eyes turned inside to find myself

Short intense happiness

Never lasting long

You know what the thing with poetry is, it’s that it’s extremely personal. And in high school, this one time we had to kind of write a poem in class and you know I couldn’t do it. When I’m nervous or under time pressure I can’t do things like that. I think it needs to come natural you know. Sometimes a sentence just pops in your head and you should really write it down then. I think I should buy a notebook of some sort, in which I can write sentences. I’m absolutely not anywhere near a poet but writing things down can make me feel better and I think it’s better to express them like this than sit on tumblr and feel miserable. Just make me think.

I don’t think my head rests enough. I need to sleep an eternal sleep.

Aside

This really really really nice boy, Sean, got fired and today was his last day of work. Yesterday I promised I would visit him on his last day so I did and aw I’m so sad and it’s unreal that he’s gone now and we won’t be working together and I won’t talk to him anymore :c. He’s just so much fun to talk to and be around with and he makes work a lot more fun and now he’s gone and ugh I’m really going to miss him :c So I said goodbye to him and he hugged me so at least I got to say goodbye. Typing this makes me more sad though SO WHY AM I DOING THIS. I think I did like him a little yeah but not too much I don’t know because it wasn’t like I thought about him all day/a lot but he’s become a really good boy/friend to talk to