Growing up and life

Growing up is weird and not like I expected. I don’t think growing up is like anyone expects it to be. You’re six years old and dream of being 18, so you’ll be able to make your own decisions, drive a car and of course you’ve achieved a lot by the time you’re 18, but that’s not it at all. Most people haven’t achieved a lot when they’re 18 and neither have I. Growing up is expected to be fun and all that but it’s not. I don’t know much about those people who have lots and lots of friends and go to parties and seem to be so careless and everything. It seems as if their teenage years are the best years of their life (that’s what they always say isn’t it), like they like growing up and being an adolescent but I don’t know if that’s even true. It’s like those people have such an easy teenage-life but in the end I don’t think that’s true, you can’t see it as black and white like that. Maybe they do have a relative easy time. I haven’t been through a lot of hard stuff. Hm I’ve messed things up and made them right and made a mistake I still can’t forgive myself for. No one has ever broken my heart and I’m not sure I’ve ever been in love, but I’ve certainly never been loved so a broken heart is impossible. I’m only 18 though, so there’s time enough. I’m alone most of the time and I’m used to being alone and I always want to be alone but I also always want to be in company. I don’t have many friends. I’ve got a few  amazing friends but I ignore them most of the time because for some reason I isolate myself from everyone and I don’t think I’ve always been like that. I usually don’t look forward to seeing my friends, I can’t explain it. When I see them it’s fun the first hour or so but after a while I start to feel so so so so exhausted and empty and all I want to do is go home and go on my laptop and lay in bed and do absolutely nothing. I have it with literally everyone, even my best friend. It’s like I spend too much time on my own and I’m not used to communicating with other people so I just can’t do it for too long. I need a diary though, writing things down works better than typing them for some reason. I wanted to find my old diaries but I only could find one and I fear my mum’s got one of them. I’m probably paranoid but what if. My diaries aren’t pretty :’). This post doesn’t makes sense, like every other post I make because it’s just criss cross jumping from subject to subject but it doesn’t matter to me.

This:
for most people our age (i guess you’re around the same age as i am. most people here are) the teenage years are the best years of their life. when they get older their shells will grow harder and they’ll eventually decay completely. people like you and me are the opposites of that. our futures will be bright compared to the lives we lead now. the amount of “pain” we get now, will be the amount of “pain” other people will have when they are older. no one of us gets nothing. we all get our share from misfortune. and that’s why we should cherish everything we do have. i can give you endless lists of good things in life but they’ll probably end up looking all cliche because different things are important to different people (and half of the time, those lists make me feel even more depressed because they are speaking of cuddling with the opposite sex and stuff like that). i recommend making lists like that yourself? or try meditating or keeping a diary… getting into more peaceful times with yourself… don’t worry too much, every single experience in this life gives you another opportunity to learn more about yourself and change things you don’t like. let time flow. an average human reaches the age of eighty. so many wonderful things will happen to you throughout your life.

It made me think and actually gave me hope. I didn’t have a lot of ”pain” in my life, but what does ”pain” refer to? Does it mean being bullied, being depressed? Does it mean being and feeling alone, not having one person you can trust, not having a social life, not having love, attention and all those things the ”popular” kids do have? I don’t know. There are so many views on life and everything that has to do with life that it gets confusing.

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