Confusing but whatever at the same time

Okay me and my family went on holiday this year, to Fuerteventura (Canary Islands). We visited this sports complex thing, Las Playitas (which means ”the small beaches”, or something). It was definitely one of the best holidays I’ve ever had, seriously. Also maybe one of the worst, no, no, not worst because it was marvellous. It was sports everyday. My mum and I went swimming a lot and I did ”Stretch and Relax” with my dad and played table tennis with my brother afterwards, in the evening. Also did Circuit Training three times (that’s like 40 seconds push ups, then the next exercise 40 seconds burpees, the next back extentions, plank, suicide run etc) and Bootcamp and played badminton and yoga and fitball. There were a few instructors/teachers (don’t know what to call them and whatever), Hedi (I guess that’s the way it’s written) from Hungary, Hellen or Ellen and Katie both from the UK. And I’m guessing no one will read this since no one (literally) even knows of this blog’s existence except if for some reason they found out which would be awkward. Okay so hoping no one reads this, I really really developed a crush on Katie, like I actually like her and it has quite an impact on me since this is the first girl (or wait first person ever) I fancy (using British words now yes) and I DON’T EVEN KNOW HER. She gave me quite a lot of those classes BUT STILL. I mean okay…Fitball twice, Stretch and Relax once or twice, Combat and Bootcamp and maybe something else I can’t remember. She came across as so bubbly and happy and not shy and really really nice and friendly and funny and if you really get to know her I bet she’s amazing as well. Ugh when I read this in a few weeks this is all going to sound so so so so incredibly stupid and exaggerated but it really is how I feel about it right now. I wish I could still be on Fuerteventura and get to know her and everything and oh god I’m pathetic and this should be impossible. You know when I like someone it’s only after a while when I know them, talked to them and everything but no no this time and it’s fucking terrible and confusing and it actually makes me want to kill myself sometimes because I want to just be normal and straight and I feel like I’m definitely not straight, not gay either but definitely not straight. And it usually doesn’t even bother me and I don’t think about it all the time. There are periods of time when I don’t think about it at all and I don’t care, because seriously to me I don’t care if you’re gay or whatever, it’s normal, the thing is that being gay or bi isn’t being considered normal by most people on this stupid planet, that’s what makes it difficult. I don’t know if it’s ”dangerous” writing this down but I need to write it down, write it off and everything. No one knows this and it’s really really confusing at times and yeah it does make me want to kill myself and I’m serious about that. I would want to know this one thing for sure but I don’t. I won’t kill myself because things get better and I’ll figure this out, it’s going to take long is what I’m assuming but I will figure and maybe even tell someone eventually, even though there’s no one in the whole world I would trust to tell this. The last night and almost on the airplane and when I got home today I cried and cried and it was because my knees hurt and because of Katie and because I’m confused and I don’t want to be scared of university and go back to Fuerteventura and live my whole life like that. It’s so weird, those instructors are part of your life for two weeks and after that you never see them again. I don’t know if writing this down helps anything, it probably only makes me think and think and think more but oh well. In some time, like hopefully two weeks, I’m going to forget about Katie and don’t feel so shit about this, you know. I hope those people work there every summer because I really want to return there and see if she still works there (oh god what am I saying, oh god oh god oh god). I’ve got more in my head but I’m stopping right now. If someone were to read this then whatever because this is me and my thoughts even though my thoughts don’t make sense and probably are twisted.

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