Growing up is weird and not like I expected. I don’t think growing up is like anyone expects it to be. You’re six years old and dream of being 18, so you’ll be able to make your own decisions, drive a car and of course you’ve achieved a lot by the time you’re 18, but that’s not it at all. Most people haven’t achieved a lot when they’re 18 and neither have I. Growing up is expected to be fun and all that but it’s not. I don’t know much about those people who have lots and lots of friends and go to parties and seem to be so careless and everything. It seems as if their teenage years are the best years of their life (that’s what they always say isn’t it), like they like growing up and being an adolescent but I don’t know if that’s even true. It’s like those people have such an easy teenage-life but in the end I don’t think that’s true, you can’t see it as black and white like that. Maybe they do have a relative easy time. I haven’t been through a lot of hard stuff. Hm I’ve messed things up and made them right and made a mistake I still can’t forgive myself for. No one has ever broken my heart and I’m not sure I’ve ever been in love, but I’ve certainly never been loved so a broken heart is impossible. I’m only 18 though, so there’s time enough. I’m alone most of the time and I’m used to being alone and I always want to be alone but I also always want to be in company. I don’t have many friends. I’ve got a few amazing friends but I ignore them most of the time because for some reason I isolate myself from everyone and I don’t think I’ve always been like that. I usually don’t look forward to seeing my friends, I can’t explain it. When I see them it’s fun the first hour or so but after a while I start to feel so so so so exhausted and empty and all I want to do is go home and go on my laptop and lay in bed and do absolutely nothing. I have it with literally everyone, even my best friend. It’s like I spend too much time on my own and I’m not used to communicating with other people so I just can’t do it for too long. I need a diary though, writing things down works better than typing them for some reason. I wanted to find my old diaries but I only could find one and I fear my mum’s got one of them. I’m probably paranoid but what if. My diaries aren’t pretty :’). This post doesn’t makes sense, like every other post I make because it’s just criss cross jumping from subject to subject but it doesn’t matter to me.
for most people our age (i guess you’re around the same age as i am. most people here are) the teenage years are the best years of their life. when they get older their shells will grow harder and they’ll eventually decay completely. people like you and me are the opposites of that. our futures will be bright compared to the lives we lead now. the amount of “pain” we get now, will be the amount of “pain” other people will have when they are older. no one of us gets nothing. we all get our share from misfortune. and that’s why we should cherish everything we do have. i can give you endless lists of good things in life but they’ll probably end up looking all cliche because different things are important to different people (and half of the time, those lists make me feel even more depressed because they are speaking of cuddling with the opposite sex and stuff like that). i recommend making lists like that yourself? or try meditating or keeping a diary… getting into more peaceful times with yourself… don’t worry too much, every single experience in this life gives you another opportunity to learn more about yourself and change things you don’t like. let time flow. an average human reaches the age of eighty. so many wonderful things will happen to you throughout your life.
It made me think and actually gave me hope. I didn’t have a lot of ”pain” in my life, but what does ”pain” refer to? Does it mean being bullied, being depressed? Does it mean being and feeling alone, not having one person you can trust, not having a social life, not having love, attention and all those things the ”popular” kids do have? I don’t know. There are so many views on life and everything that has to do with life that it gets confusing.
Going someplace else is such a great way to forget about things, to forget about all worries and daily life and forget everybody and everything: escapism. Visiting another country where no one knows who you are, it’s like a fresh start, except it won’t last for long. You’ll see and meet people and you don’t have to think that much about how you behave or look like since you won’t ever see them again. What people think of me is something that always worries me, I wish it wasn’t and I tried to change it and it did get a little less, but I guess I’m not one of those people, you know. One of the things I like about visiting another country is the language difference because it gives me the feeling of being somewhere else even more. I love being away from home, I like not seeing my friends, not worrying, not thinking too much, not having stress and I wish I could just go away. Anyway, that’s probably the overused wanderlust. It’s wonderful how only being somewhere else can make you forget about 90% of your worries and things. Even a visit to my grandma who lives an hour drive away can make me forget about some stuff, for a little while and going away for a weekend with my whole family (with my cousins and second cousins and aunt and uncle and grandma) is one of the best things as well. You can’t stay in those places forever though, you spend most of your time at ”home” and I guess it’s most important to feel okay (happy, whatever you want to call it) there. I suppose only feeling okay on holidays isn’t fine since holidays aren’t ‘reality’. I still have to work on that then.
Excuse my thoughts. ∞
If there’s anything that’ll remind me of this summer than it has to be this song, not the original though, the remix of it. During one of the sports classes, ”Combat”, which is basically punching and kicking in the air but actually really challenging, especially when it’s hot (like 30 degrees Celsius). Okay and ugh Katie gave that class and this was the main song of Combat and during Combat me and my dad were at the front and I was standing right in front of Katie and like almost face to face (so when we were ”fighting” I pretended to hit her :’)). It was probably when I realised that I liked her or something, I liked her before that though but I guess that was when I realised and I don’t know, oh well. Anyways writing this isn’t making it easy to forget about her, it only reminds me and makes me think :’). I only want to write it down so I don’t forget. That’s contradictory since I want to forget but at the same time this thing is part of my life and it’s like some kind of process-thing I have to go through? So happily proceeding, this whole part that only should’ve been about this video is going to be elongated by the description of what Katie looks like and all that. Okay so she wasn’t tall, brown hair, like 23 years old probably and maybe a bit older, a beautiful smile and beautiful face and my mum, dad and brother made fun of her voice and everything but I liked her voice :’) (oh god). Also she was really really funny and so lovely (repeating myself here I already wrote this in the post I wrote yesterday). She’s like the perfect person to give Bootcamp and stuff, she really pushes you but in a really good way ;3. How awful that I like this person I’m never going to see again (I hope she keeps working there because I absolutely loved it there and I want to go back so badly). I also feel like a creep since I don’t know her and by now she has long forgotten my existence, how pathetic am I. I can’t help it though, it’s what I feel and I can’t turn it off so yeah and liking someone is a beautiful thing and better than hating someone and okay. Let’s not read this back in a few weeks because I might hit myself in the face a hundred times of embarrassment about the way I write things down and exaggerate them (even though I really really am not exaggerating things right now, it just looks that way when you read things back, it really does, because right now all this is how I feel about it in this moment and in a few weeks I’m going to think how stupid I am) ∞
Okay me and my family went on holiday this year, to Fuerteventura (Canary Islands). We visited this sports complex thing, Las Playitas (which means ”the small beaches”, or something). It was definitely one of the best holidays I’ve ever had, seriously. Also maybe one of the worst, no, no, not worst because it was marvellous. It was sports everyday. My mum and I went swimming a lot and I did ”Stretch and Relax” with my dad and played table tennis with my brother afterwards, in the evening. Also did Circuit Training three times (that’s like 40 seconds push ups, then the next exercise 40 seconds burpees, the next back extentions, plank, suicide run etc) and Bootcamp and played badminton and yoga and fitball. There were a few instructors/teachers (don’t know what to call them and whatever), Hedi (I guess that’s the way it’s written) from Hungary, Hellen or Ellen and Katie both from the UK. And I’m guessing no one will read this since no one (literally) even knows of this blog’s existence except if for some reason they found out which would be awkward. Okay so hoping no one reads this, I really really developed a crush on Katie, like I actually like her and it has quite an impact on me since this is the first girl (or wait first person ever) I fancy (using British words now yes) and I DON’T EVEN KNOW HER. She gave me quite a lot of those classes BUT STILL. I mean okay…Fitball twice, Stretch and Relax once or twice, Combat and Bootcamp and maybe something else I can’t remember. She came across as so bubbly and happy and not shy and really really nice and friendly and funny and if you really get to know her I bet she’s amazing as well. Ugh when I read this in a few weeks this is all going to sound so so so so incredibly stupid and exaggerated but it really is how I feel about it right now. I wish I could still be on Fuerteventura and get to know her and everything and oh god I’m pathetic and this should be impossible. You know when I like someone it’s only after a while when I know them, talked to them and everything but no no this time and it’s fucking terrible and confusing and it actually makes me want to kill myself sometimes because I want to just be normal and straight and I feel like I’m definitely not straight, not gay either but definitely not straight. And it usually doesn’t even bother me and I don’t think about it all the time. There are periods of time when I don’t think about it at all and I don’t care, because seriously to me I don’t care if you’re gay or whatever, it’s normal, the thing is that being gay or bi isn’t being considered normal by most people on this stupid planet, that’s what makes it difficult. I don’t know if it’s ”dangerous” writing this down but I need to write it down, write it off and everything. No one knows this and it’s really really confusing at times and yeah it does make me want to kill myself and I’m serious about that. I would want to know this one thing for sure but I don’t. I won’t kill myself because things get better and I’ll figure this out, it’s going to take long is what I’m assuming but I will figure and maybe even tell someone eventually, even though there’s no one in the whole world I would trust to tell this. The last night and almost on the airplane and when I got home today I cried and cried and it was because my knees hurt and because of Katie and because I’m confused and I don’t want to be scared of university and go back to Fuerteventura and live my whole life like that. It’s so weird, those instructors are part of your life for two weeks and after that you never see them again. I don’t know if writing this down helps anything, it probably only makes me think and think and think more but oh well. In some time, like hopefully two weeks, I’m going to forget about Katie and don’t feel so shit about this, you know. I hope those people work there every summer because I really want to return there and see if she still works there (oh god what am I saying, oh god oh god oh god). I’ve got more in my head but I’m stopping right now. If someone were to read this then whatever because this is me and my thoughts even though my thoughts don’t make sense and probably are twisted.