Sigh

Ashton was going to “check her email”, I thought she’d send me something back but no she still hasn’t sent me anything and also no message on tumblr. Sigh. Seriously, she’s doing it again. How fucking hard is it to only send back an email or send me a message saying she won’t be online or whatever. I don’t understand okay. I fucking can’t.
This needs to stop. I don’t want to be waiting any longer. I hate that she’s a wonderful person but she’s making up stupid excuses. I was forgetting about her and suddenly she’s here and messes everything up with me and I just can’t. Sara sent me a message and she shows she cares but Ashton just completely ignores me and disappears off the earth or something and I just can’t okay. Honestly it’s not getting to me anymore, it’s just incredibly annoying and jesus christ she said she was going to check her email, “I promise” um seriously don’t make promises if you can’t keep them.

No need for that

I don’t have to send that message to Sara because she’s back again and she’s talking to me again :3 She’s so cute and wow she really does care about me a lot and she loves me and I don’t understand how. I can’t no just no no no. The sweet things she writes about me, I don’t understand how she can see me like that, I can’t find the words to describe how much I don’t understand it. And why don’t I see myself like that.

Aside

Okay Sara wasn’t responding to my messages and I know she only does that when she feels bad which is pretty often but I don’t mind okay because I know she has reasons for it. So she sent me this:

”You don’t need to reply but this is just me saying I’m sorry and I really do love you but I’m having a hard time loving people but it has nothing to do with you because you’re such an amazing and lovely and sweet person that I shouldn’t be like this to you but I’m having a hard time and I just can’t and I’m so sorry. I’ll come back to you I swear just give me a couple of days of even hours I don’t know. I love you and you’re so beautiful and you’ll do great on your exams. Sorry :(” 

Aw my heart dropped, it’s actually probably one of the nicest things someone has ever said to me and I replied to it and I told her she should message me when she feels better. She hasn’t messaged me yet. I want to send her something, I want her to know I didn’t forget her and I’m going to write something like:

Okay maybe I shouldn’t send you this and you don’t have to reply but I want to tell you that I do miss talking to you. You one time said you think you’re not the kind of person someone tells: hey i miss talking to you, but you are that kind of person to me and I only want you to know that I’m not forgetting you that’s all and I’m so sorry if I bothered you with this okay but I had to ):

I’ll send this to her if she hasn’t sent me anything tomorrow.

I’m not mad at her for not talking to me, it only hurts that she feels so bad and I want her to feel okay and not have a hard time. I can’t be angry at her because she sent me this and it shows that she cares and she means it I just know she does. She’s so wonderful seriously.

Sara

Sara and I are such good friends. I care about her so much and I really do love her, as a friend. I care so much about other people, maybe I don’t have anything left to care about myself.

I feel like we get along so well, I get along with her better than with Ashton. We both understand if we don’t want to talk and there’s not so much pressure to keep a conversation going and we have more similar interests, we both love watching football, Game of Thrones, rain and she’s just amazing and beautiful and she thinks like that about me too. I feel like I care more, that’s how I always feel about everybody though. I love her like a friend, nothing more than that.

Dream

Okay I had a weird but interesting dream, not nice though and I want to write it down before I forget most of it

We were at a zoo, me,  my mum and dad an brother probably, and also and i’m sure of that, my grandma from Munich was there. We went to the lions, we were very close at the gate. The was something weird because my grandma suddenly was inside the cage of the lion, there was only one lion. My grandma walked there, she came near the gate, near the bars and she stood there and said something to us. I saw the lion running towards her and i probably screamed something like WATCH OUT !! My grandma is so small i was scared the lion would eat her in one bite and that happened. The lion grabbed her head and lifted her off the ground and he ate her whole body without chewing. Then later i think more people of my family died but i can’t remember it. Next setting was at work, at the supermarket. I was with Kajal and Alicia. There was someone being killed and Said killed that someone, i think it was Jorry but i’m not sure it also could have been Charity. I remember someone, Alicia i think had this wound, a large cut on the side of her stomach/belly and Said did that. Kajal and I were looking for Said and we were telling everybody what happened and we were wondering why he did that and we tried to find Said. That’s all I can remember, I also remember waking up a few times and talking to myself and half crying because of the people who died. It was quite weird.

.

Suddenly I see her online on msn, all this time she wasn’t and now that she read this email she is. It’s so weird and I don’t understand. I’m not going to spend time on this now though, I have to prepare for my final exams and it’s more important than Ashton. I wonder if she ever ever ever thought about me, I don’t think so because if she did she would’ve messaged me. And her excuse that it had to do with studying, you can’t be that busy that you don’t have time to send a message you know that’s just not possible. If you really really want to talk to someone, you send them a message, that’s exactly what I did. And exactly what she didn’t do. Of course I can forgive her, she hopes I can forgive her and I can, I hope I can start to like her again because if I’d talk to her right now I wouldn’t be all that nice, or at least it wouldn’t be like it used to. I really notice now that I have a hard time trusting people once they’ve done things like this. When I get attached to people and when they leave me I start to dislike them and I also dislike myself for getting attached.

Mindfuck nr.3

Ashton replied to my email. I don’t know. I just typed some things and saved it as a draft. This is honestly confusing. Why does some girl on the fucking internet mess with my mind so much. I don’t understand you know. I don’t know how to proper reply to this. If I am going to be friends with her again, is she going to disappear for another few months or? I can’t deal with this now, I need to focus on my final exams. And in 5 years, will we still be friends or is she just a memory? That’s the thing that scares me. It scares me in my friendship with Sara too, I really want to meet her and I think it’s going to happen, really. Sara was like it’s meant to be and the universe and everything wants us to be friends and meet each other. I kind of believe in that, our messages never ever get lost which is so weird because it happens to everyone I talk to, but not with us and how weird as it seems I kind of believe that that’s a sign or something. This was supposed to be about Ashton’s answer to my mail but oh well I always lose track of things.

Mindfuck nr.2

Um okay. Today ashton responded to my message which i had sent three months ago. I deleted it but it was: “I’m backkk. It’s been too long. Ah ah ah. I hope you’re okay and stuff. Superrrrrr need a catch up xx “. Excuse me but what she is like hey let me reply to something from three months ago. And what kind of shit message is that. Ugh what do i do. Do i send something back and start being friends with her again which i don’t think i want. It’s been three months you know and that’s long but ugh idk we had such a great friendship but i’ve forgotten all that actually. And the feelings i have now are resentment mixed with an i-care-but-do-not-care at the same time. I was better off without Ashton. Also, what if i start talking to her, is she going to keep walking in and out of my life again or what. I can’t have people walking in and out all the time. Hey let me leave for three months and then hey let me walk in again. But people deserve second chances so yeah…i don’t know though. But in the end, we don’t live near each other and i don’t think we’ll ever meet. Okay I give her another chance, if i don’t speak to her for another month or more, i’m done. Ashton and i never talked about how cool it would be to meet each other and things, Sara and I talk about that all the time, we talked about skyping too. Oh god skyping is like my worst fear what if we don’t get along or can’t talk with each other.

Mindfuck okay

Lovely day with my best friend, we ate pizza, played games on the wii, it was great 🙂 She left, I felt sad of course like usually. I went on tumblr. Ashton suddenly on my dash like what hey let me reappear and give me a heart attack. Reblogs from me, doesn’t talk to me, awkward. It made me feel so bad seeing her on my dash. I decided to send her an email, because I’m done with not knowing what to expect: is she going to talk to me? Is she ignoring me? Did she not receive my messages and email? Does she even care? Are we ever going to talk again and be friends or what. Like no i’m not waiting for that and i won’t let her in my life and i’m just never going to talk to her again because why should i. It’s going to get me hurt again you know. So it’s a goodbye email. I told her thank you for being my friend and I hope she’s happy and will be the rest of her life. The last sentence I wrote wasn’t all that nice though. It was: ”Maybe I’ve embarrassed myself now but whatever you because won’t respond, so bye, I hope you’re well.” Not too nice but hey. I have closure now which is nice :). Awkward btw, i wanted to block her on tumblr, but i had no idea you would immediately unfollow someone then, so yeah i followed her again i hope she won’t notice :’)