:)

I wouldn’t say she replaced Ashton, but oh oh wait she did actually :’). Sara and I have a different friendship though, but lovely, I kind of feel like I can be more myself around her, I don’t know, it’s good. When I talked to Ashton there was more pressure to keep the conversation going, it was like everytime I talked to her it was as if I met her for the first time, sort of, there’s a word for it which I can’t think of right now. Sara is 15, she lives in Portugal and her birthday is on June 30th. The age difference really doesn’t matter, I don’t notice anything. Aw we have a great friendship. And I feel I start caring for her more more more more and more by the day. We both want to meet each other, god I hope I get to meet her. I hope so so so so bad that we get alone in real life, if we ever meet. Internet friendships scare me, it didn’t work out with Ashton, what if this fails too? But I have her Facebook so I can stalk her, even if we don’t use Tumblr anymore you know. Please, please, please let this friendship last long.

Difference in friendship with Sara. While I just typed this sentence I’m thinking what am I even doing why compare two people it doesn’t make sense like what why. I’m going to do it anyway though, because I want to make clear why this friendship could work and why it could work so.

– Sara actually wants to meet me and so do I
– We fangirl over the same things: football, Game of Thrones
– We both like each other as friends and we talk about how cool it would be if we were watching football together and things
– I can be myself around her, like (almost) completely and talk about things and it’s not as if I meet her for the first time everytime I talk to her because that’s what it was like with Ashton.
– I can type in Caps Lock without it being awkward
– No pressure to keep a conversation going
– This is what our friendship is like and we started talking only 2 months ago 😮

Disappointed? Hmh

We’ll never speak again, I’m sure of that. It’s been almost two months since we spoke and I’m already starting to forget you. You cut me off. I tried to talk to you, no response. I can’t seem to forget you and I can’t stop having feelings of resent and disappointment towards you, that’s because I still care. But you know it’s gotten less, time heals everything right? I don’t think I’ll ever stop caring. There will always be a place for you in my heart, I think. That’s what I say now anyways, it could be completely different in 10 years, or 5 even :’).

I think to completely let go I should send an email. Sort of a goodbye, you know. I think I’m going to write this:

Hi Asht,
We haven’t spoken in a long long long time. I really really hope things are going well for you. I don’t know if we will ever talk again, because I sent you messages and an email even, to which you haven’t replied. I don’t know why, maybe you didn’t receive my email which would suck because I think you just ignored it and don’t want to talk to me, because then this is stupid and i’m embarrassing myself completely but oh well. You know if you don’t reply to this but do read it I at least want you to know that you were (i don’t know, were would fit best here i think) a wonderful friend to me and I haven’t forgotten you, you know. It’s a shame it didn’t last (maybe jumping to conclusions a little too soon?) but then again I’m just someone from ‘the internet’ so I don’t matter in the end and friends come and go. Before I continue to embarrass myself I’ll make an end to this :’) Um so, thanks for being my friend, you helped me a lot. You’re an amazing person, I hope you’re happy and I hope things are looking up for you which is what you deserve after all that’s happened to you. I hope you’ll get to live an incredibly happy life 🙂 Wow I actually just realised that this thing, all I wrote here, is so stupid when you actually just didn’t receive my email because it sounds like a goodbye. Well it is a goodbye if you don’t want to speak to me again, otherwise it isn’t because you’re a great friend you know. But I just assume you don’t want to speak to me because who would. I wish you all the luck in the world though 🙂

Love,
Valesca

What a stupid thing to think

What a stupid thing to think that she actually cared enough about me to want me in her life. I guess it was just temporarily. Memory fades so quickly, I can barely remember what it was like to talk to her. But I know she showed me who I really was, she looked at me differently. We were so alike, we had so much in common and she made me feel better about myself, and with that I mean my personality, who I am.

I sent her messages on tumblr. Didn’t reply to that because she’s either ignoring me or she doesn’t receive my messages which is possible because tumblr sucks at messages. I sent her an email, approximately 4/5 days ago. No chance that she didn’t receive that one. So she’s either one of those people who never checks her email, or she really is just flat out ignoring me and doesn’t want to speak to me, which is what I assume.

All I can say: fuck.
Just that. The way we talked about our friendship. How we talked about becoming mums, about how we wanted to meet one day and still be friends in like 20 years and have our kids play with eachother. I mean, those kind of things you know. At the time I expected it could really happen, I was convinced we could be friends for a long long time, we were great friends, our friendship was the best friendship I have ever had in my life, even though it was through the internet. I already used the word were, we were. If she suddenly replies to my email I will be more than happy, but maybe I should just give up, try to forget her, before I get disappointed for a second time. It’s anger and mostly disappointment.

Have no idea what title i should give this

Tumblr friends mean more to me than real life friends. And I’m sure my best friend doesn’t care about me, or she’s too awkward to start the conversation and ask me about it. Because I know she reads my texts posts, I just know she does and don’t tell me she accidently didn’t read this one. Fgs strangers care more about me.

Emily (a.k.a deciso) sent me the cutest thing today. She made this post on which people could reply:”Can someone be my best friend?” I replied: “i will be : )” because I just can’t stand it, her friends don’t care about her and it’s just awful you know. I really wish I could be her best friend, I think I have a crush on her lol, but whatever. Right after I replied, she sent me this: “you’re like my best tumblr friend if you didn’t live so far away i wish you could be my real best friend : (” And that really, really breaks my heart. God if I lived near her I could at least make her life a bit more bearable, she’s sad so often and I just wish she had a best friend who could make her feel better, happy or just that she feels someone cares about her because I really really do : (. Jfc why don’t I live near her, I want to help her but I can’t.

You know tumblr makes me sad sometimes because there are lots of people feeling sad and seeing others/people sad makes me sad and i wish there was something i could do to take their sadness away but i can’t.

Also, memory fades so quickly. When you haven’t spoken to someone in a month/in a long time, you almost forget what that person was like.