I give up I guess

Oh god it makes me so incredibly sad, angry and indifferent at the same time. I think I’m going to give up on the friendship I have with Ashton. But really, we haven’t spoken in so long. It’s almost as if she doesn’t exist for me anymore. She’s never online anymore, neither tumblr nor msn. And what sort of makes me a bit mad is that she makes a text post on tumblr about not having received any messages “in like, forever. Someone should message me :c”. Well you could um message me, you know. So far it’s always been me who had to send her a message. How can it not even pop up in her mind that uhg nevermind. Oh god why am I making a fuss about this. She’s an internet friend. But still, we talked about how great our friendship was and how we really hoped we’d be friends for a long time. And we wanted to meet someday. But if I reread her text posts, I mean as in looking through her archive and stuff, I realise everything irritates me a bit. I don’t know, it just does! If I don’t speak to her within two weeks, I might just give up. I just really really really thought this could last for a very long time, even for a lifetime maybe. I guess I was wrong. Unless we talk a lot during summer vacation, I don’t see us being friends for a long time.

I’m quite happy I made new friends on tumblr though. We only talk on tumblr, so it’s not that we talk on msn like I used to do with Ashton but you know, it’s friendship 🙂 I’m going to play Draw Something with Becca, probably tomorrow! It’s such a great game and it’ll be so much fun 😀 I’m playing it with Rosanne and Dylan now 🙂

Woah.

Okay so there’s this person I was attached to, sort of I guess. I don’t know if I liked this person. But what if you haven’t seen someone in almost a year, you don’t really spend time thinking about them but sometimes it does pop up in your mind, you’re wondering how they’re doing. Then suddenly you hear their name, your heartbeat raises and you become extremely nervous. When you see them, it becomes worse and all you want is to give them a hug and spend some time with them, talk to them, ask them how they’re doing. What does that mean? Does that mean you like someone, that you’re IN LOVE with someone? It’s not the usual way you would react if it was just ‘someone’ that you didn’t care for, or didn’t have feelings for right? It’s just not the usual way you’d react to seeing a person you haven’t seen in a while. Still, you can go months without thinking about them and in one split second there’s this weird nervous feeling and you’re longing to talk to them. I don’t know if this means that you like someone, still like someone.

“It ends tonight”

Our friendship is dead. That’s basically how I feel about it right now, at this very moment. It could all change next week though. But ugh, today she’s like: “I haven’t received a message in like, forever. Someone should message me.” Well maybe, just maybe, you could message me. Stop asking for messages but send them yourself instead. I mean come on, why don’t you just message me 😦 I’ve been messaging her but either she doesn’t receive them because tumblr really sucks or she just ignores them. Look I’m probably overreacting and stuff, but those little things do make a difference because it means someone’s still thinking about you and just yeah it would mean a lot to me if she’d be the one to message me. Right now I feel like: Oh NEVERMIND you don’t want to speak to me ANYWAY.

I found out why, or at least I think I did

I think i know why i have those negative feelings toward asht. It’s not even hate, its just this feeling like: “omg im mad at you ffs WHY” i think its because im scared to lose her as a friend i guess. Or im mad because we’re just not talking anymore..it basically sucks. This shows i still care because if i wouldn’t care about her anymore i wouldn’t even be writing and rambling about it. I can feel our friendship becoming less and less. I also feel like she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore, she’s barely on tumblr anymore and then she doesn’t even bother to write me a message on tumblr (yes i know that’s because the messages keep getting lost and stuff but still). Hm 😦 its a mixed feeling of completely not caring and being mad, irritated and caring. I dont know if i still want to be friends i feel like she doesnt care at all. Im always the one who cares too much but doesnt know how to show it. She always leaves me on msn without saying a word. And one of the worst feelings is when someone is just not responding anymore. I feel like i cant care about her anymore until we start talking more often. Her msn hasn’t been working properly…that’s why i guess :c

Ah new friends :)

Look, since I haven’t been talking to Ashton lately, ive been talking to a few other people on tumblr. I guess i can call four other people my tumblr friends. Becca, Ciara, Sara, Sarah and Paige. Becca’s so lovely, she’s 15 years old now. She has a girlfriend, Mia, who started following me recently (which made me incredibly happy) but their relationship isnt going well. Mia is ignoring becca and she acts like she doesnt care about her anymore. It really breaks my heart 😦 becca told me how she really doesnt want to lose her, how she hopes she still loves her but that she really doesn’t know if she still does. It’s so awful to see her sad, she doesnt deserve that. She thinks its probably because of mia’s medication, theyve already argued about mia making her upset once and becca doesnt want to hurt mia by telling her that she’s making her upset again. You can just tell that she really cares about her. It’s adorable but so so so sad. I think she should tell mia though because its really not a good thing that she’s upset all the time 😦 becca showed mia her personal blog in which she wrote how she felt about all this, but mia didnt really seem to care. Mia sounds/sounded like such a lovely person before i didnt know this. They are so cute together though i really hope everything gets better between them i really cant stand it if people are sad, it makes me sad immediately 😦

That’s strange

I don’t know what this is all about but there’s something inside me that suddenly has started to despise Ashton. I can’t place it nor do I know where it comes from. It’s strong though. We haven’t talked in a long long time, we did talk yesterday but again, she had to leave very quickly. This always happens, I don’t really care about this though. It amazes me how much I get annoyed because of how she reacts to certain things on Tumblr. Also, I feel like she’s ignoring me. At first, I only had her to talk to about how I felt, that is a change. She was like everything. If I felt bad she was the one I could talk to and I felt deep affection towards her, I still do. And it goes together with a feel of hatred and disgust which I can’t explain very well. Something that annoyed me today was how she replied to an anonymous message. The feeling that’s been bugging me for a while now too, is the fact that I just don’t seem to care. My head told me: Oh whatever you’re not going to be friends, it’s like whatever and she doesn’t care about you and she’s a bitch anyway. Why this sudden change, I just really don’t understand it. I liked her so much when we talked a lot, almost everyday. And now, what’s left? Not much anymore and I do really hope I regain it because it would be great to feel the same way and to just have the feeling of truly having a good friend. It really felt like that before 🙂 Hm, maybe re-reading old conversations helps me with it, I’m going to give that a try 🙂