Rant

Oh my…i’m so sad all of sudden. I even cried. And what for? Nothing. Besides hating myself, missing Said and Ashton, being scared of tomorrow’s history test and the future, nothing. I’m suddenly so scared of losing Ashton as my friend. We haven’t spoken for over a week, it was her birthday last Friday (February 3rd) so of course she celebrated and stuff. We’ll speak soon though, I’m sure. But she’s someone I want to have in my life for a long time, even though we haven’t even met in real life. I was thinking today, be prepared for some deep stuff heh. So what if I never joined Tumblr, what if Alysa didn’t follow her, what if I didn’t start following her, what if I didn’t send her an anonymous message, what if what if what if. What if we had never started talking, then we never would have met. All we would be: just two souls living their own life, completely apart, not knowing of their existence. I would live my life, she would live her life. Would our lives be different if we had never met. Maybe the direction of our lives has changed now we’ve met? Who knows? Don’t you think it’s weird that if we’d never met, we would just be two individuals floating around? Personally, I think my life would’ve been different, more miserable for sure, if it were not for Ashton. She’s the one person, besides Said, who can always cheer me up. I notice that Alysa, my best friend, doesn’t cheer me up, not always and definitely not through msn. She knows nothing about me, I’m afraid. Or maybe she knows, but doesn’t want to confront me with it. I don’t know. Either way, I think she should be the person who can always cheer me up, she isn’t though. And that makes me sad and it makes me doubt our friendship as well. Well maybe it’s my own fault in the end, I haven’t told her about what I’ve been through with my mum, how I feel, what I feel and maybe that should change. Maybe that’s the only way our friendship will improve. I know she would never leave me though…but it’s scary and I dislike talking about my feelings a lot. I’d rather run away from them, but in the end, I think, it’s impossible to run from your feelings and sooner or later, reality will slap you in the face. And the later, the harder the slap will be. Yup that’s what I think. This probably doesn’t make any sense though because it’s all one mingling of thoughts.

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