How long?

How long before I finally stop faking that I’m doing okay? How long before I crack? How long before I am strong enough to tell someone about my problems? How long before I’m going to save myself from going downhill any further…? The thing is: I want to tell someone, but there simply is nobody who I trust enough. My parents are not an option, nor is my best friend. Well, maybe she is, but I’m afraid of losing her and I’m afraid of her reaction. We never speak about what bothers us, really. We don’t talk a lot at all. Someone at school could be an option. I do not think I should tell my mentor/counsellor. She is way to dramatic. She is the kind of person who feels bad for you, who will cry when you tell her something bad is happening to you (seriously, she cried during two different classes). I mean, she cares about you I think. But I do not need a person who immediately feels sorry for you. I need someone who I can talk to and helps me find a solution. On the other hand, maybe she could help me in the right direction. Honestly, I can’t think of anyone else who I could tell it to. She must be the only option then. What I am most afraid of is how things are going to be after I’ve told someone. Will this person inform my parents? Do have to go to a psychiatrist so that he/she can diagnose me? I mean, that whole traject scares me so fucking much. What if it turns out I’m not depressed? Because when I am laughing with one of my classmates, I feel pretty happy, then after that I return to the same state of mind as always. Well I do not know yet if I will tell anybody at all, maybe I’ll just keep living the way I am. Though I think that could be dangerous since I’m looking at my wrists a lot and I wish that I would die in my sleep/I could sleep forever. So those aren’t good signs, are they? My mind is playing games with me, no me gusta.  Depressed – not depressed, just have to get over it – depressed – not depressed – and so it goes on in my mind. It’s just that I feel like I don’t have any emotions anymore. I feel blank and sad all the time. I feel like crying but the tears aren’t there. I want to feel something again. I want to feel alive. I want to be happy with myself without my happiness depending on others. I often feel guilty about thinking that I’m depressed since my life could be worse, there are so many people who have a harder time. My parents are alive and together, I am not very poor, I’m able to go to school etc. Also, I think karme hit me back. A friend of mine treated my pretty bad, and what I did: I treated her even worse. Though it was under pressure and if it would be just me, it never would have happened, but I did it and I can’t change it. I’ve read on her wordpress, tumblr, twitter that she’s been depressed and I feel like that is my fault. I really hurt her and I’m so sorry for that. I cannot forgive myself for it. So that’s why I partly think that I just deserved it. Also, I have absolutely no support system whatsoever. No friends who I can talk to. I have a few friends who I talk to sometimes, but when we meet we never talk about how things are going. I guess you could say I have no real friends. My parents: same story basically. Can’t talk to them. It’s as if feelings don’t exist in this house. Everything gets critized and they don’t take me seriously I think. Like during summer vacation my depressed feelings got much worse. I told my mom that I thought I was depressed. She said I just felt that way because I wasn’t doing anything (that actually is partly true). She asked whether I had suicide thoughts. At that point no. So I said no. She said it wasn’t that bad and that I just had to do something and had to rest the subject. If only she knew how I felt right now.

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