You know how you always…

…want someone to ask how you are. When you answer that you’re fine, they say that you’re not okay, which is actually true. I kind of had this today. I was in a sad mood today – I feel like that every day actually – but because I’m on my period, it is slightly worse because of the ache in my belly and back. Anyways, I walked into the classroom and the girl I always sit next to (we aren’t friends, by the way) asked me if I didn’t feel well (apparently I looked like that?). I said ”No..erm..”. I sat down and she said to me: ”You know, I think you’re sad about something.” How I have wanted to tell this: ”Yes, I am sad. I feel lonely and I think that I am depressed but I’m not sure. Is it just me exaggerating, not sleeping enough, wanting to be depressed so that I can name my sadness and I am just talking and thinking myself into all of this?” Instead I just said: ”No, it’s not really that. I’m just very tired and yeah.” She said: ”You’re just a bit in your own world today.” I agreed and told her that I just wasn’t able to pay attention to anything today.

I want to write about my sadness, because let’s not call it a depression. I am not writing to get attention. (also, no one is reading my blog so it would be impossible to seek attention). I am writing because I do not talk about this, because I simply do not have anyone to talk to. Since last year I didn’t feel like doing anything, I felt sad, tired, lifeless, had very little motivation, didn’t feel like (still don’t feel like) hanging out with friends. The year before that, I can’t remember that I felt like that. I feel like it just keeps getting worse, my sad feelings. I’m trying to figure out whether it’s not just that I have a lack of sleep – I do get too little sleep -. I told my mom about that I felt like I am depressed. She didn’t really take it serious I guess, since she just told me to not think about these things. I feel like such an emo and attention-seeker when I type things like this. I am this insecure, shy, always too caring, boring girl who has no one to talk to, not even her best friend. Yeah, I totally just described myself hehe. I just bottle up all my feelings. Eventually it will come out, but than a hundred times as hard.
I wonder if I should get tested whether I’m depressed or not.Without anyone knowing it. I am too afraid to tell this to anyone, especially my parents. Lol maybe, when I read this in one week, I think: ”WTH! I just had my worst period ever feeling and typing all this ;P. What was I thinking?!” That would be funny.

It’s by the way not that I’m always sad. When I am laughing about/with some people at school, I don’t feel sad. I feel happy and think: ”Hey, this school is not that bad and they are so nice to me and I just had fun a second ago.” However, after that I feel the same as before ;P. They say that laughing is the best cure ^^. Nuf’ sad talking. It’s not a very happy/positive post by the way. My first post in ages is sad one. N’aww.

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